Who here is nervous/reluctant to have visitors in their flat/house because they have been on their own so much they struggle to adjust socially to company? I am used to living a certain way and struggle to adjust socially to the idea of having anyone but family in my flat .
I get very anxious when certain people come to visit our home - even certain family members.
A couple of weeks ago, a cousin and his wife came to visit - I hid in my room and stayed there.
Lately Ive been pretty anxious when visitors come and stop over.
I have to know them well and feel comfortable around them.
i have never had people to stay 
, and if they do they can only stay for a short time…
i turn into a werewolf 
after a couple of hours !?! 
take care 
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Stuff like unannounced visitors would put me through the roof… I would stay in my room and avoid…
But living with a young adult of 18… who brings over friends once in while… it still gets to me… but at least they don’t stay long.
I’m better about meeting people out of the home… but having them come here… it gets under my skin after a while.
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I don’t prefer to have visitors as I think they may have access to my crazy mind when we meet at my home where I’m supposed to act normally. I prefer visiting people at their place and be a gentleman, a polite one. At home I have to welcome them greet them feed them get them coffee. Too much actually
After living alone for six years I am now adjusting to living with other people. It’s a change, it will take some thought and effort to get used to it.
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are you in your new place yet?
Yes, I moved in Saturday. Still fixing my room up nice.
I just assembled the floor lamp, and cooked dinner. I guess we both have tomorrow off from work.
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Yep… Friday and Saturday…
I’ll be glad to back on Sunday.
Glad your in the new place… I hope it works out for you.
Thank you. I’ll be glad to be back Monday. But I got a boatload of things that need to be done so I will keep busy over the long weekend.
This is what I struggle with, the entertaining bit. Also my place often isn’t fit for visitors.
Putting out cookies or crackers and coffee and soda is easy, right? Isn’t opening a package of crackers and putting them in a bowl not too hard? You do it for yourself don’t you? And if you make coffee for yourself then you can do it for one or two more people. And greeting someone is as easy as saying 'hi". And once a good atmosphere is set with refreshments and a friendly greeting then just be yourself; as corny as that sounds.
Geez, I’ll never win a “most social person of the year” award, but yesterday I was standing in the kitchen in my new house with a husband and wife and two kids. I think you expect perfection in social situations. Other people get nervous too. But once they see you mean them no harm physically or mentally they will relax, and then you can relax too. Once they see you just want to talk then there’s a good chance they will not attack you. Because isn’t our greatest fear in social situations is that we will be attacked? But adults don’t do that.
I realize it is nowhere near as easy as I make it sound but socializing doesn’t have to be impossible. I realize your fears and your years of ackwardness ( I hope I’m not getting too personal here) but I’ve been in many social situations where I was hopelessly outmatched by beautiful, socially adept, men and women, I survived by just being friendly and doing the minimum required.
I realize this may not help one iota but it’s true, “Fake it til you make it” . People tell me I’m good looking. I don’t see it. I don’t feel it. I have zero social skills. But I’ve sat in on a thousand AA or CA meetings. I didn’t talk to anyone or cause any trouble and no one bugged me. Anyone there could have destroyed me physically or verbally. But no one ever did and they accepted me.
And I actually did talk to some people and I was friendly and I made some semi-friends and now I can say I’ve been to a thousand meetings. You just have to trust people. I actually talked to a lot of people but only in certain meetings. When I got my first sponsor he took me too a packed “men only” meeting and he made me stand at the door and greet people. I did it. Yeah, this might not help at all but this is my experience.
I guess it’s because I am used to living on my own and slobbing around/extreme casual mode. Adjusting to the social niceties involved with having company just seems to require too much effort.
You say it’s easy to make extra coffee and put out a plate of cookies(as you call it in US) I guess it’s easy if you entertain on a fairly regular basis and shop with the expectation of visitors in mind but given my situation I don’t shop for the possibility of entertaining anyone. I use mainly those sachets of coffee that come in cappuccino/latte/flavoured varieties and I wouldn’t ordinarily buy cookies. This of course is all academic as I have no friends and the chance of getting a friend is next to zero.
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Ow firemonkey, no man should be without a friend! I’m a bit short on friends myself, not many come to my house, but I do have a few.
wow firemonkey, i’d drop by if it wasn’t so far a way. you post like your a real intellect. deep in thought too.
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I think there are 2 things at play when it comes to the paucity of friends (1) Long standing social interaction difficulties that mean previous friends over 58 years can be counted on one hand. (2) My avoidant tendencies and reluctance to put myself out there socially. I think (2) is a fear of rejection and ridicule that harks back to public school and the bullying I received for being physically awkward(poor at sports) and socially awkward.
Then things like difficulty initiating and sustaining conversation(unless it’s on a topic Iike/am knowledgeable about) also come into play.
If I am honest the place I feel most comfortable in is a traditional drop in/day centre where you can get to engage/be with other people without necessarily getting too close to anyone. One might call it arms length friendship. Unfortunately though drop
ins have been systematically phased out in a lot of areas including mine.
I also supposedly have very poor social skills which may impact on the issue. I do wonder how much the social skills deficit is due to lack of social
engagement due to the avoidance/social phobia/paranoia or is a long standing part of chronic social awkwardness/social interaction difficulties.
One thing is sure psychiatry tends to ignore these issues which are not uncommon among the severely mentally ill . Perhaps because social difficulties are not seen as important as controlling delusions and hallucinations even though they may have a greater impact on occupational and social functioning . It is true mental health services push you to join groups but this is not matched with helping to provide you with the tools to successfully engage with and navigate those groups.
I don’t know how to “shoot the bull” as they say like they do at parties so I have never been to any really. I’d have to be really drunk to be sociable, but then I would just embarrass myself and just knew that I shouldn’t go for that reason alone. I’ve been told that I am too serious and that I think too much. I do feel the pain that comes with isolating too much, but there are just much more serious issues in this world I think I have to focus on at this time.
I never have people round, and rarely clean my room. More often than not it is my mother who cleans my room, though I am getting better at it. My mum does it without me asking, indeed I always tell her not to, but she still does it. When my room is tidy, I do think about inviting some guests, but nobody ever invites themselves round for a social visit. I’d like to invite my brother and nephew, but my brother is always too stressed. I’d like to invite people round for shiatsu, but my room is really a tad too small for that. I should really make more use of the communal living room in the building, but it’s not in a good state at the moment and not really comfortable. I have a nice garden though, so should probably have barbeques in the summer. I’m happy with my own company really and not desperate to change, but do worry about my ability to socialize in an equitable manner. Thank you.
i lived her for 12 years and maybe 1 person a year has been in my house