I can understand the metaphorical characterization of our hearts being the seat of our emotions as for ten long years I was in intense emotional pain and this pain felt as though it were coming from just that, my heart or even my soul if those exist. It was a physical as well as emotional feeling that would wash over me, pangs of intense hurt and anguish. I drank during those times but this only made it go away temporarily just to come back ten fold later on. I took pills to knock myself out, nothing I tried could stop this pain I was in. It was an awful feeling, I even put a few holes in the walls of that house in fits of anguish because of it. It was miserable.
In the end I could only let it run it’s course and work it’s way out of my system, this unbearable decade long pain. It took ten years, from about the age of 19 until I was 29 which was the last time I remember feeling those waves of hurt wash over me. Coincidentally or not this was also when I began to recover from my psychoses and had begun to feel stable again.
I don’t think anyone I’d spoken to, who all suggested that such things simply needed to run their course and could not really be treated, thought that it might last as long as it did. This was what people mean when they speak of the phrase “heartbreak”. For me it lasted a decade and was eventually accompanied by insanity. By the time I was 19, when most people are just beginning to live their lives, I felt as though I had lived several. It was if by the age of 19 I’d been through virtually two divorces, trauma, dissociation, thirty acid trips, severe depression and crippling anxiety, I was a wreck and would be feeling it for a very long time.
All I can say is that I don’t wish that feeling on anyone, that pain, that misery and I am so very glad to be finally over and done with it.
Anyone else experience such prolonged periods of pain such as this?