it is really bad for me. i was in a pretty optimistic mood before i relapsed. but as soon as i did i started feeling like my body was being taken over by some alien force. and that the whole world/god has a deep seeded grudge against me because of something i did in my past that i couldn’t remember. that was when i started tripping about all the things i do wrong (this is how i usually trip when i smoke)
Things i do wrong: Smoke cigarettes, Drink, Smoke weed, irresponsible.
But i could not stop smoking cigs, and i could not do anything but sit there and trip over and over. At some point i started feeling like there is no God, and i have no soul. I started to feel like i was dying, i could not breath. and i didn’t feel like my soul would survive either. that after i die that will be it. which isn’t that bad i guess but dying is painful, and i felt like everyone who reads my mind including my mom wanted me to die. so i started yelling for help, but mom didn’t know what to do or say.
I also felt like i had nothing to live for anyway. I am mentally ill, irresponsible, and the only men i know are voices in my head (who were also there btw encouraging me, and saying they love me, but who wants to be crazy and only have voices in their head who love them?)
Can’t smoke pot if you are me with my type of mental illness
Yeah, I kept smoking pot way after it stopped being fun. I guess I always thought the next time would be different and that somehow I could recapture that great old feeling it used to give me before I got sick. I finally quit all drugs in 1990 and I don’t miss them. They took me to some dark places, physically and mentally that I barely survived. You just have to acknowledge that pot will never be fun again and that you are going to get the same results every time you smoke it. Nothing is going to magically change and somehow smoking it will get better. Not going to happen. No one is holding you down and forcing you to smoke it.
yes food is heavenly but that doesn’t compare to the trauma i have to go through to get to that point. and you are right, i don’t know what’s wrong with me or why i still do it.
yes that is pretty much how i feel. that and i hate feeling controlled by my delusions. so my mind always thinks i can somehow make it work. but yes i cannot. also i think that since weed tends to make me feel forgetful, i forget how awful it is while i’m actually on it.
but the real reason i smoked was because someone i knew from my past gave some to me. i tried to give it away and the person i gave it to wanted me to smoke with them, to prove that it was real (this person also suffers from mental illness but likes to smoke, it helps this person relax) so in spite of my own intuition, i did it, and smoked way more then i had planned. i cannot really get away from people who smoke because they are in my immediate family
Just don’t become a victim to yourself. Like you may hear that works for other folks but you need to know your mind. I gone through my pot in the road. Times a plenty I smoked up even though I know while I was high mentally I would be in hell. God grants second chances would you make the same mistake twice?
Can’t you explain that you have to quit? That it might be fun for them but that it messes you up badly? And tell them not to offer you any? That it’s not a joke to you? That it might screw you up permanently and irreversibly? That pot effects you differently then them because of your illness? That it’s not fun and drives you crazy? That smoking pot is not worth it? That it’s torture and poison to you?
oh and i don’t have a irl-In Real Life boyfriend because i don’t feel like anyone would really “get” me. unless they are gravely disabled as well and i have to meet them from my day program, that freaks me out because my ex of 10 years was bipolar and that did not go well at all. i have tried to meet guys online from places like meetme, or pof, but that never works out right. i am too weird man. i just have to realize that i am a loner. and that is how it is. i am a afraid of intimacy because i have very low self esteem. so my voices really are all i got.
Yeah, I understand. When I smoked pot daily when I was in high school I don’t think there was anything anybody could have said or done that would have gotten me to quit. But it’s too bad for you that you can’t quit, sigh. Good luck.