Drug abuse

I use painkillers as a distraction from my sz. Lets be honest soberity is kind of a joke when your local and only mental health facility heavily over medicates. I have tried many combinations and have only found sucess in zombifing. This zombifacation seems to be the way they like to treat sz but what they fail to realize is this severly limits my coping ability due to lack of energy. where i used to engage in an activity to combat the voices now i am stuck with not even enough drive to pick up a book or turn on the tv.

I understand the negative consequences of consuming a controlled substance not put forth by my doctor. It has detrimental effects on both physical and mental health. To be honest i am silently hoping the negative physical effects will quicken my demise. As far as the negative effects mentally i go through great lengths to keep my self in check. I have suffered because of a painkiller addiction.thats why I dont allow myself enough to become truly addicted or suffer through withdraws again.

I didnt always have the control so dont think im endorsing this practice. In my late teens i knew something was wrong but due to paranoia and ego i thought i could manage my sz monster on my own. This false idea led me to painkillers. But soon it went from stress relief to its own monster. I spent all of my money and attention on getting painkillers. It all caught up with me when i was 22 I ate 50 Percocet 10s in a span of 20 mins i was ready to finaly end the voices that had been plaguing me since i was 5. I wasnt allowed to die so i forced myself to withdraw and it was hell. I had pushed away everyone who really cared and had my suffering intensified ten fold by having no support.

Boohoo i know but i felt back story was needed to keep the kids off drugs and stuff.

Anyway i understand its a thin line and the consequences are heavy. But until my doctors can give me the magic combination that is functional and deals with my sz, i probably wont quit completly. Pain killers make me feel social, productive and energetic. Painkillers dont combat my sz but neither do the anti p’s or the anti d’s. Painkillers do improve my social anxiety and outlook without putting my brain on screen saver.

I cannot stress enough what im doing is a terrible and vicious practice of self medicating. I dont feel in complete control but i feel like i truly understand the gravity of my actions. I have scars to remind myself i need to practice moderation. I dont recommended this particular plan of action its alot of suck.

I know if your abusing you dont wanna hear this ■■■■. But not everyones as lucky as i was. i let it almost kill me suffered alone and all i got is this shitty story. So dont do this it doesnt fix anything it just adds another shitty wrench into your mental motor. I dont know how i never went to jail or why a lethal dose of 50 perc 10s did nothing but force me to sleep for 4 days. But i do know I cant get those years back or truly mend the relationships i destroyed.

I guess what im trying to say is. I know what im doing can turn horrible fast but i have no other way to fight my sz at the moment. If i would have gotten professional help when i really needed it i might have better copping skills. I might have the med combo i need to function.

If you see your loved one going down this path intervene they might hate you at first but they get to live to thank you later.

If you are going down this dumpy road get help. The end game sucks. If you dont have anyone else you can pm me and we can talk as friends. Im not saying im professional help but Nobody should suffer through this alone…

What you’re doing is dangerous, but you know that. You’ll go through hell when you reach the point that you have to quit. I hope it isn’t too bad.

Im hoping that i find medicine that works and that my resolve is strong enough to endure until i do.

Its to easy to slip into that nobody cares anyway mind set.

Is it an unrealistic goal to want medicine that helps without taking away your drive? I dont want a cure i just want assistance with my affliction.

Have you tried sarcosine yet? It provides a wonderfully subtle boost. No mania, not addictive, no horrible side-effects. Reasonably priced.


I will look into this i appreciate the idea.