I ignore if i am tripping now, but yeap, lately, i try to straighten my head, to be just someone, but i can be rude also or seem insensitive, but its only cause i try to build some defense now…
My mother always criticized me though a lot, when i was meaner, she never tolerated that…
Today i was a bit standing on my own, trying to defend my own points of view and i just asked her what she thinks of me…
We have problems in our family though, we are not in good terms usually, my mom and my sister for example almost cant stand each other… But me, i was way too dependent on my mom for long and this should change too i guess…
But yeah, ive asked my mom today what she thinks of me for real and she just smiled ironically and told me, that she’ll tell me that one day… Today in fact, she criticized me, that i am insensitive, while i try just to not be paranoid… But i wonder if it happened to my mom to hate me in the past or even now? For her i am still a failure and she suffered a lot, that i turned sick… 
Do you think, that she can hate me if i turn into a person, which she wont like? 
am confused right now, i ignore if the mothers can experience these kind of feelings even if they are sporadic…
Around all this bs etc, i wonder how badly emotionally am affected, but i’ll still try to rise further lol… 
Im sorry this is so confusing, it sounds like its hard to understand how your mother feels about you. I’m surprised she didn’t tell you she loves you- you should be loveable to your mother and in general whether or not you’re ill. It was brave of you to ask her directly what she thinks.
My mother often gave me the creeps. I avoided her as much as I could. If she went into one part of the house, I was apt to move to a place farther away from her. She could lower the boom on me about some things. When I joined the army wanting to be an airborne ranger she told me there was no way in the world I could hurt her any worse than to be a professional killer. I wish she had told me that before I joined the army. I didn’t get to be an airborne ranger, but that’s a different story. But she was always supportive. I sometimes wondered how all that moving away from her affected her feelings about me. But one time I had been moved to a holding cell in jail, and it was around 3:00 am. Six prison guards came to my cell. One of them was wearing those skin tight gloves the police sometimes wear. I think that means they were going to dish out an ass whipping. I knew what the guards wanted. One of them asked me if I wanted to take some kind of drug, and I said “no”. Then, one of the guards said, “Call your mother. See what she has to say about this.” I called her, and I said, “Mom, I’ve got six prison guards here getting ready to gang rape me. Do you think you can get me out of jail?” She said, “You brought this on yourself. You have to deal with it.” Then, because the call was recorded, the guards had to put me back in that cell and leave me alone. When my mom found out about my dad’s predilection she was devastated. Her whole focus on it was that she had to face the fact that we were not the upright, churchgoing pillars of the community she thought we were. I could have told her that way before then.
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