I think that’s what my headaches are about. They are a way to punish myself.
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I never punish myself. I do reward myself however.
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That’s a better idea. How do you reward yourself?
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Been there. Done that.
@PinCushion , To give some examples, a while back, I was living with my girlfriend in a nice, fancy house. I had been there for around eight or nine months when she suddenly evicted me saying she “needed to be alone”.
Well, I immediately moved out feeling very sorry for myself. I thought, “if she’s not going to be good to me, then I am going to be good to me instead”.
So, I thought of all the things I wanted and didn’t have, and then proceeded to give them to myself. First, a two bed, two bath, apartment with balcony and pool overlooking a beautiful courtyard. Then, a smart TV. with Netflix and YouTube premium. Next, a monthly deep tissue massage at a fancy spa. Then, online, weekly, Spanish conversational tutoring. After a year and a half of all this, I’ve never been happier.
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I have some strongly negative feelings about myself. I guess you could call them hate.
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I punish myself for speaking.
Mostly for speaking things that I don’t really want to.
And then I retreat back to being silent.
But then, if I do say what I feel like… I still feel the same and do the same. “Better be quiet and remain unseen.”
Really, I see this as going back to childhood trauma; feeling that we don’t deserve love in any way or form. Especially not being heard or seen or for having desires/wants/needs that didn’t conform to the parents wants/needs.
I think children fall prey to punishing themselves because they have not developed the tools of coping with this complex life we find ourselves in. Smacking ourselves around is a simple way of dealing with a big problem. It silences us. The problem is that those problems can resurface later in life.
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Nobody said money couldn’t buy a solution. Enjoy. 
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