Thank you everyone for your responses and the conversation. It is very helpful to me.
I would say it happens quit frequently given some of the stories that I have heard.
I think experiences that a lot of people would shrug off or not hold on to because they some how realize that it happens and happens all the time are the very same experiences that others may hold on to. Perhaps because you are more aware of yourself mentally then these things stand out more. Just a thoughtā¦
Im not sure I understand what you meanā¦you mean most people shrug off trauma and people predisposed to schizophrenia react to it?
No one can shrug off trauma. Sorry if that is what it seemed like I was saying. Perhaps I have to a certain degree put my foot in my mouth. I can only try to relate based on my life experiences and my sons and our reactions to some of the same experiences. I got bullied a lot when I was a teenager. Made fun of and beat up. Pushed into the mud on more then one occasion. Almost raped and my step dad tried to sleep with me. My son has had some bad experiences with being bullied. He got pushed downā¦ These experiences still affect him and he holds on to them. I donāt want to say that schizophrenia has caused this only that perhaps because he is more aware of how this made him feel that it is more traumatic to him than it would be for me. He is far more aware of what is going on his brain then I am of what is going on in mine. Certain emotions donāt affect me the same as him perhaps because I am not so aware of them. Sorry if I stuck my other foot in there tooā¦
I have violent intrusive thoughts of harming myself or others, i usually try to ignore them with music. The only voice that is violent is Devon, he yells at me to hurt myself and others and curses at me when i argue with him.
Itās wild that these things happen. I think part of it is an echo of the things we have watched and not having parts of who we are in check. Iāve experienced most of whatās been expressed here. From wild murderer thoughts and pictures when Iām near a knife to sexual stuff. Loads of it springing from stuff Iāve seen and things I did when younger.
But now what? Does anyone want to know?
Iāve seen small times of freedom when learning not to judge others. Unfortunately when ever I wasnāt happy with my self or too happy with how I was doing the judging would start again.
Next I noticed that my urges were connected to when I feed my desires for basic stuff (greed).
Most of the time it was just when I was tiered. The problem with all these are the more I tried the more tiered I got from trying. The more tiered I was the more it happened. The more it happened the more down I felt. The more down I felt the more angry I became. The more angry well you get the picture.
The question is, āam I still in this loopā?
Dose anyone want to know? The answer is no. The loop is broken. There is freedom. I thought it wasnāt possible and was just a part of who I am.
There is a new door open and letting in the truth. No more lies of broken inability to grow and being selfish and angry. Itās time for freedom and seeing life develop around me. Keep open and donāt loose heart for victory is a gift.
Wow this thread is old. Well, after a full blown relapse a year ago, my symptoms are more prominent than that nice little year of hardly any symptoms. I mean like hearing voices while presenting my research at a symposium yesterday. That sort of crap.
And yeah I have always had violent thoughts and well part of it is trauma reaction (I just learned a lot about trauma and PTSD in class), part of it is paranoid ideation, part of it is just aggression, which I researched pretty thoroughly this summer.
I have all the above and then some strong antisocial tendencies! Yay! Stuck with thinking violence is fun. My antisocial tendencies used to be full blown APD, that was the verdict of the shrink who evaluated me, but now I have been aware of the crap for years and itās mainly implicit like micro expressions and quick temper, impatience, being bored easily, being drawn to violence but staying away from it with the exception of my punching bags, and well, I am not dumb and I can tell that I have violence built into me. When I was a little boy, I was violent- always playing war and sword fight with other boys, actually hitting them with toy swords, playing military sim airsoft (replica firearms which shoot plastic bbs), then I became a fighter, then I went crazy and ā ā ā ā got messy.
I still have issues with aggression, but I āsublimateā it through exercise. I workout six days a week. Itās just disappointing. I always wanted to be a SEAL and now Iām a looney. Well, for a looney I have my ā ā ā ā together, and Iām actually quite good at academia, which pretty much saved my life.
I like to say that there are different types of men- pigs, dogs, wolves, and owls. I am pretty sure I fall into the wolf category. But thatās not all bad, I like to euphemize it as having insight into the most ā ā ā ā ā ā up mindset, a severely pathological type A.
People know me as a gentleman in real life, itās a conscious effort. I am aware of my nature and well I punish myself for being this way. Itās how I cope with it. I mean I punish myself for being a sick and dangerous person. Iām not really that bad, but those two attributes are still present, and it looks like I canāt get rid of them no matter what I do. Iām not unstable dangerous, just potentially dangerous, practically a trained soldierā¦yeah thatās not ā ā ā ā ā ā ā ā I have more combat skills and experience than guys in ROTC. How many of them have fought and been knocked out? How many of them have been trained in how to take a life? I canāt undo that ā ā ā ā , I did that ā ā ā ā with the intent of preparing for ROTC.
People love good ole boys who kill for a living, but they donāt like it when mr. Schizophrenia has the same skills.
This is a touchy subject but it is a large part of my struggle in life. I work with my shrink on this stuff and Iāve studied it to a decent extent, even took a class on the psychology of evil.
Iām actually a really nice guy except for when I am hungry or right when I wake up from my chronic nightmares. Even then, I just tell the people I am close to that I am not myself and to keep a distance.
If anyone has a better strategy for being me, please, enlighten me.