I don’t know if it varies on the day or if it’s the person but sometimes I’m almost able to act normal around people? My speech is very muddled at the moment but today it was okay, I’m a bit worried because I was a bit of a mess when I saw my nurse the other day and today I saw the vocation team member and was okay. I fear he’ll (my nurse) turn against me, think I’m making it up and leave me if he discovers this. I seem to be able to put a face on for certain people, but it’s not who I am and I feel I’m lying to myself and everyone around me, that I’ll eventually let them down.
I think this stems from when I was in hospital because atypical ap’s don’t work on me they thought I was making it all up and took it all out on me. They’d be condescending and treat me horribly. I must make it clear this was not paranoia my mum saw it too. That doctor was the face of evil.
But anyway, I feel like I should be one or the other; well or ill. But I’m such a mishmash one day I can be acting darn right psychotic and then in a day or so back to my normality but even then I’m not what people perceive as well? I’m so awkward.
I don’t know if many saw my last post, my fear was challenging my main frictions I’d lose all Control, they’d come and get me and kill my family or you know. At the moment I have predictions of the world, I know what will happen and what people will do. If I fear everyone I don’t have to worry about whether one random person will attack me. Me and my nurse went through this. We also went through what would be good if I let go and it sounded brill but still every time I’ve sat down to challenge I panic, I don’t think it’s something I can do alone.
I wish I could be a steady meg, not flipping between one or the other. I fear the moment I start acting well even if I’m not that all my support will be removed. Am I alone in thinking this? I’m not saying intentionally I stay unwell, I still have a long way to go. I don’t know, mum says I’ll never be well that it’s just now a matter of learning how to cope with my swings and embracing my uniqueness… I’m trying to accept that. I still keep thinking though, that I can be the person I was before. I know it’s unlikely, I’ve seen the depths of hell and come back so I can’t be the same person, no-one will be the same after that.
I’m aware I’m rambling, I don’t know what to expect, just on a down day today. Perhaps thinking too much.