This stupid schizophrenia took away my confidence. It’s a crazy world out there. I mean there are actual criminals out there. People who have done (or people who plan to do) some horrible things. And they are among everybody. You can’t tell the good guys from the bad guys when you are out in public. I never used to worry about it BEFORE schizophrenia. I went about my business. Now I’m in conflict with everybody. I think it’s because I isolate too much. I mean even AFTER I became schizophrenic I have been in isolated areas without being too scared. I lose my perspective sometimes. Everything is not life or death, right?
it is indeed a nasty world , some nasty thief stole from 2 of my uncles days before , now i can’t stop thinking about it , it’s shizophrenia coupled with obsession , you know people and you obsess with types that’s why you are suffering man
I am sorry you feel unsafe in public, 77nick77. This may be a part of the illness you are suffering from. When I was paranoid, I dared not walk alone in the street thinking someone might kill me with a gun. Now I am free of symptom and have no such fears.
Take care.
Greenlife
we imagine threats that in reality do not exist, i thought the car was being nicked the other night but in reality i live in the middle of the countryside !! it is just paranoia, part of the sz rainbow.
but saying that there is a ’ shifty ’ looking cow across the road, it looks at me funny !!
" i know what you are up to cow !, i have been watching you !! "
take care
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You’re lucky, Greenlife. I have to get back to being like that too.
In my most drunk and psychotic days I used to go toe to toe with fully grown men. I had this instinctual need to prove that I could hold my own in the worst ways possible. I think that when I realized I didn’t want to fight people over things that I can’t even remember anymore, was when the world became a much scarier place. It was much more scary than literally throwing myself into harms way.
The things I had to battle after that were the harsh emotional realities of what was left of my life, or what never was my life. My eyes opened to a completely different world, and to tell you the truth, I’m still scared of it.
I have so much trouble making eye contact with or talking to most people I don’t know or don’t know well. Heaven forbid I see someone who reminds me of one of my worst delusions, I turn into a total wrecking ball of nerves, even though I KNOW it’s not real. People can be very mean, they can be heartless, they can be thieves/liars/cheats/murderers/rapists; but they can be heaven sent too. I deal with the fear and anxiety because every once in a while, I meet people who were meant to be angels.
I have relied on spiritual shielding for years…I could take care of things physically if I had to, but no matter what there will always be someone physically stronger, faster, or know more…even the little skinny guy, or girl everyone thinks is a pushover might have been trained in various martial arts since a child and surprise a bully!
Besides, no matter how adept you are in the physical, you normally cannot stop a bullet if one flies…
I’ve lived in places where concern of such things was not paranoia. I lived in the inner city for almost a year, and had to work there from time to time. you heard gangs shooting at night. The news would report drive bys and dead kids hit by stray bullets.
The best thing to do is try not to show fear…some people, like animals can pick up on that, so how you carry yourself is important.
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I trust that my legs are fast. Back in 2002 three men attacked me in Helsinki, but I was able to escape by running fast.
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I was walking to the subway station one morning at 4 am and a carload of gangsters rode by with them all looking at me and driving slow. i saw the brake lights go on when the car reached the next intersection. I ducked down a side street and into an open air flower shop, hiding in a maze of stands and plants…the car did drive back by but they had no idea where i had gone. I could see the street but no one could see me. I waited till it was gone, maybe 10 minutes, then proceeded to the subway station. I’m pretty sure they might have tried to rob me and there were 4 or 5 guys in the car.
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I feel that the more I am guarded and cautious - paranoid, the more negative energy I attract. Negative attracts negative - so the saying goes. I too am very paranoid and seem to be on the lookout for negative people and “energy” - Lately I have been trying very hard to be aware of the positive sources of energy - I am more focused on natural beauty - nature, the sky, the trees the sun, the birds even squirrels. I try to take myself out of the pool of negativity
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I’m a lover not a fighter. I don’t brag it up to attract attention. I don’t flash cash, I dress pretty low key. I don’t think everyone is out to harm me. As I people watch, everyone is in a rush. They are walking fast, eyes down and harried. In a large crowd down town, people just want to get from point a to point b.
I’m in the parks, minding my own and doing my job and it’s pretty straight forward.
Of course there are some areas I don’t go if I don’t have a reason and I don’t go walking some of our worst at night.
It’s amazing how much violence and conflict left my life the moment I quit drinking and using. I’m also a pacifist. If someone stumbles up to me looking for a fight, I’m not going to raise to the bait. I usually just back away and leave.
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I will defend my self if its necessary, its just i have to loose my temper. There are so many people that needs to know their own place, and i dont show them is because i am scared that i will go into psychosis when i loose my temper. I just need confidence that a fight wont put me in psychosis, and thats it, i will go schizo on their ass, so whenever they see me they will look into other direction.
I know how you feel. When I’m alone, walking through my neighborhood, almost everyone I pass is a potential threat. I know that it’s paranoia, but it’s a strong fear that’s very hard to shake.
I do feel that I can defend myself. I carry mace and a razor-sharp knife with me everywhere I go. Plus, my kickboxing training from my youth kicks in.
But that still doesn’t alleviate the paranoia. I guess it’s part of the reason why I don’t go into public places much.
I’d love to overcome it someday. So I could take a nice, peaceful walk without the feeling of eminent danger.
Blessings,
Anthony
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In my little town there have been some beatings so that people are left unconscious in the streets which is why I never go outside at night. People drink alcohol and then do stupid things.
Hmm…interesting post. I have been aggressive since I hit puberty at like 10 years old, I hit it early and was testy and could hit the ball far as ■■■■ in baseball and was jerking off every night by 5th grade. I stayed testy and full of male maleness to this day. I have never lacked confidence in myself, I have lacked desire to live. Its one thing to hate life with a strong ego and see life as an enemy, its another to feel like you cant fight life.
Every time I have a symptom, it just fuels the fire. Every hallucination, every delusional thought, it gets bottled up and then I crack the bottle full of crazy in the gym and surprise myself at what I can do. Yesterday I deadlifted 445 five times on a trap bar, a tricky bar, not the normal bar. I thought I could do it maybe 3 times struggling but did it five times quickly. I weigh 169.
Literally, I feel like I can defend myself, to answer the topic of your post. I have 4 belts in Krav Maga and I am much much stronger than the average person my size. The gym I go to has serious ■■■■■■■■■■■■■, they compete nationally and like 7 of them are Elite rank, the top of the food chain, so I dont stand out because I am right below Master rank (the second highest rank) and am expected to be there in a few months. But put me in a commercial gym and everyone gets silent and stares at me like I am a freak, thats how strong I am for my size.
I live in a dangerous city but live in a good part of town. One wrong turn in Memphis and you are in the shitter, its scary. I have heard too many stories firsthand from people who’ve been shot or mugged. Whenever I am confronted by some fucknut asking if I have money or can help him with something I firmly tell them no and if they ask again I give them the middle finger. I think I need a gun, ill be 21 soon, maybe I will get one when I move out of my parents’ house. I can kill average people with my own body, but an experienced and conditioned thug is a problem. A .45 in my would blow their stupid head into bits though.
Get a concealed carry permit. I know tons of people who carry guns with them and you cant see the gun because its on their boot or in their purse. In my city its common sense to have a gun. Seriously. I was talking to my retired orthodox jewish neighbor when I was playing with a BB gun in my front yard when I was 12 and he told me about his Glock 20 he keeps in his bedroom. I was talking about Krav Maga with a girl I was seeing and she told me about her pistol. Everyone has a gun here. The members of my powerlifting team are all super pro gun rights, they all have like 3 guns.
Im gonna buy a Taurus Judge when I move out and live on my own. Revolver that fires shotgun shells. Thats a dirt nap.
I have been given multiple offerings to be security for kids dealing drugs, by the way. They know I am dangerous without a weapon and I some of them told me I was gonna be the one carrying. I declined, thats a felony to have an unauthorized gun. My dad took me to rangemasters when I was a teenager a few times and I know how to use most handguns, I have airsoft replicas which operate just like real steel versions of them too. I have several books on guns and in Krav Maga they taught us how to operate a semi auto pistol after taking it from someone to top it off.
I sort of reek of dangerous, a few of my friends and family have commented seriously that I am the only person they are actually scared of. But I am a very intelligent and rational person and I learned my dangerous qualities as a military brat, I intended on joining ROTC and trying out for SEALs but now I am banned from the military or police and am pursuing academia instead. But I stay strong as ■■■■ and no one can take my skills away from me.
This is an interesting post, I had to rant, I had a lot to share about the topic of “do you feel you can defend yourself?”
Ive gotten my hands on combat manuals and know that stuff too. Army and Marine Corps full combat manuals, very similar to Krav Maga but has plenty of its own nice little tricks.
I am not exactly hypervigilant or paranoid anymore, my meds have me mellowed out, but its a fact that I am pretty close to a trained soldier in mind and body. I know how to operate an M4, can stop someone from charging at my with a bayonet, all sorts of crazy ■■■■. Its perfectly legal to have knowledge like that and I have every right to be knowledgeable about life and death situations.
But again, I learned all of this out of good will, I wanted to be a military officer.
A month ago when the Crisis Team made the decision to commit my son, the main reason they did so was because he was carrying around a 3-foot wrench. It scared them, they thought he was going to be aggressive with it. But I knew in my heart the reason he was carrying it with him was for his own protection. His psychosis and paranoia were in high gear and it seemed he was fearful of a lot of things.
Yup, quite true in that city and many others like it. There are invisible lines. It is good to know them and where not to go.
Even an unconditioned thug can be a problem with a gun or knife…though if you trained Krav maga that’s IDF so you probably trained how to disarm an attacker at close range of both knife and gun…most street thugs wouldn’t expect that, they prey on fear…the really experienced ones wouldn’t get within reach, which means at least 3’ outside your reach, or more than one step… (a step between maximum reach and target)
I’ve thought about training in a martial art, kung fun perhaps. I’d never own a gun, not with sz.
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I agree with you my friend.