Schizophrenia.com

Do you feel free

I sometimes feel like a watched animal or something.

also, it feels like I am under the control of someone hostile to me.

it is a horrible feeling. elyn saks and her autonomy wishes for us comes to mind and I wish it were so.

judy

I feel trapped by bad habits. Nobody can change that but me. I guess I keep thinking of worse things I could be doing instead of better. A lazy optimism.

At the heart of my psychosis is a persistant feeling that I am under inspection all the time. When I child and not completely psychotic yet, I called my suspicion “The Evil Eye” I also thought that I was surrounded by robots. Those beliefs transformed through out my life.

Through my life I have tried to discover what was inspecting and observing me. This endeavor has lead me through religions, spiritual and psychic inquiry and various ideas about the nature of our Universe and Reality.

I am 45 years old and unfortunately I still do not fully grasp what is going on yet, I am a little afraid to find out at this point, but I know i will know at one point, whether I want to or not.

At first I was going to say… NO, I come at a price.

But I see what people mean here.

I guess I feel freedom on a good day. Other days, I don’t feel free of either symptoms, or expectation or time.

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I feel controlled sometimes. Sometimes I’m right. Being right doesn’t make me any happier. I think everybody including me is somewhat of a control freak. At least on some things. I hate getting into those situations where I can see someone is going to try and control me. I can see their wheels turning, I see the process slowly taking place and I get frustrated and agitated. I usually lose though.

“Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose”.

I rarely feel free. Maybe sometimes when I feel the wind on my skin, but then I think: the wind is not free, it just follows the natural laws within the physical world.
I have someone watching me, don’t know who it is or what they want, but I know when they are there.

I don’t think anyone feels free. We all have things weighing on us. Responsibilities of family, work, health and finances. We can grasp moments of freedom where we can pretend for awhile that we are free but we always have to return.

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