I called the place I used to work today to see if I could get the job I worked at back. They treated me like a nutcase and made up a lie that the managers not there.
I did throw down a bottle there before when I was crazy and told the cops I was flagging them for tax evasion. I got arrested for disruption of peace. I’m better now but I can’t help feel ashamed. Not as if I could control it but I ruined a good job by acting out all crazy and stuff.
with that history, it is probably best to cut ties with that company. acting crazy then getting arrested is no grounds for a rehire.
Well at least you have the humility to think back and reflect, which probably helps make you a better soul in the long run.
I typically just don’t ever look back when episodes have happened, I never want to see the people involved again, never want to speak to them again, never want to be in those places again. I find it too agitating om multiple levels.
I agree with the poster before me, best to use that employer as a learning experience. I am embarrassed about some things that happened when I was psychotic, too. Join the club. 
I figured they would look at it as I had a disability but I thought wrong
There’s zero reason to feel ashamed. I do agree that going back is probably not a good idea. Go forward, unashamed. It’s not our fault that there’s so little knowledge about MI and therefore so little tolerance.
Don’t feel ashamed. We all understand and we are here for you. Shame on those who don’t take the time to educate themselves on MI and learn to accept it. Especially big companies. They all accept cancer why is MI any different. It aggravates me.
I have a lot to be ashamed about, things I’ve said while psychotic mostly.
do you always remember what happens during a psychotic episode? what does it feel like during one?
I don’t always remember, I just know what people have said that I have said while I was psychotic. its a little otherworldly to be in the middle of psychosis, sometimes part of me is trying to rationalize but most of me is too far gone to listen,
I always remember. It feels like I have to do what the voices tell me to do.
Ah yeah… regarding my last real job… lots of regret there…
This illness isn’t your fault though… remember that.
Maybe it’s time you move elsewhere if you can… or whenever you can handle it…
Start new at some entry level po-dunk ■■■■ job… work it for a few months… You’ve got the intellect to impress your management. Start applying other places… Make sure you are as friendly as you can be with the bosses… not in the suck up and try and get promoted way… but the “we are real people working together.” Try to understand their responsibilities and sympathize with them… they might reciprocate…
You only really need to snag a couple references out of all the management staff you’d end up working with in a resto… But you do gotta be good with the general manager or owner… that’s a good name…
Keep it part time… then find that second part time job with the potential for going full time…
then do 6 months there… start looking again… rince recycle repeat… what ever… a year after that you’ll have 3 jobs withe good references… a solid 2 years of work history… enough to fill in the blanks…
It’s tough to find the first one… but then if you can just be subservient and sacrificial for a while… you’ll be able to move your employment status around.
I’ve come to find you are a smart guy… keep your illness undisclosed and well managed. Keep your life stress free…
You might want to find the right med before you get into this… You seem to have a lot of complaints about side effects… lower the doses… maybe try a combo… adding and an anti anxiety or mood stabilizer might be able to bring down the need for an AP… which will reduce those negatives, weight gain, low libido, prolactin… etc…
Wish the best for you man…
Perhaps even translating or a job that requires utilizing the languages you speak… that is an advantage that few have.
Take care man… that pretty much exhausts the advice I have on the matter. (For what its worth.)
I don’t feel guilt or remorse. I wish I could but no matter how hard I try, I can’t feel bad for any wrong thing I’ve done. I know the bad things I do are bad, I just am never sorry I did them. I hate it