I do believe in my abilities- I have undergone psychological assessments which clearly and repeatedly show that I am an able person.
I have had periods of doubting myself. I have never really been helpless, that is, at my worst I laughed or screamed a battle cry whilst having medication complications and or being sick from abusing alcohol. I do have an obnoxious persistence. I compensate for being severely mentally ill by enhanced striving. My friends call me an overachiever and a type A.
I was a fighter when the illness hit me, and I have problems with the paradigm shift from fighter to scholar. I was used to school being easy (I was gifted before my onset) and now I actually have to try to make the same marks.
I come from the background of fighting for my life- I was trained in Krav Maga and also dabbled in mixed martial arts. When I am hurt by my illness, I wait until I am ready to perform again and then study and exercise like I am crazy. I mean excessive work ethic, most of the time “overkill” and “two steps ahead” of my studies.
Fortunately I do believe in my abilities, and my achievements speak for themselves.
But abilities as a student and athlete are what I am referring to. I am not as able in some parts of life. I have had mostly short term, semester-long relationships. My interpersonal skills with friends and family are fine, but I often feel intimidated in academic settings. Hearing me speak at a meal with a friend and hearing me speak in a research lab meeting are unbelievably different. The odd thing is, I actually produce research above my grade level, my nerves just make it hard to put my thoughts into smooth words.
When I was a fighter, I was the quiet kind. I hardly spoke. I was used to performance speaking for itself. Now, what I write and what I learn must be spoken, and it’s a little strange for me.
With practice I have been making progress, but I am noticeably nervous when I speak formally about my research, despite being aware of the quality of it.
It’s all very strange for me. I never anticipated academia, I anticipated ROTC.