I recently started thinking that my depression could be something worse than it actually is. I don’t have the “voices” which are known to follow schizophrenia but I do have odd things happen to me which can only be explained using the word hallucinations.
A lot of the time, I get these weird feelings like I’m seeing something that isn’t actually happening and I get a weird feeling of paranoia alongside it. As a weird example (but the easiest to explain), sometimes when I use the bathroom, I get a weird sense of paranoia that what I’m seeing isn’t real and my mind is tricking me to think I’m in a proper bathroom and in actuality, the walls are made of glass and everyone can see me or there’s someone in the already and they’re trying to tell me but I can’t hear them or see them.
Another example is possibly just social anxiety but when in a group of friends, if I say something funny and we all laugh, I get paranoid that I’m the only one actually laughing and my mind has created the perfect vision of me being popular and funny with friends when they aren’t actually laughing.
Since I can remember, I’ve had uncontrollable thoughts about murder and hurting people and I’m scared I will end up hurting someone. I’ve never told a member of my family and I feel a little bit like Dexter Morgan (from Dexter). I used to look at pictures and videos of gore and blood and feel adrenaline running through my body, and this is when I was around 8. I also started selfharming at 14 to see the blood. I know it’s not normal and it’s becoming even harder to control.
Is it possible that I have schizophrenia and have been left undiagnosed for 19 years or am I just paranoid?