When I was a child, I used to black out and see a small gnome on the lower right hand side on what seemed like a movie screen in my mind, turning a set of large metal gears spanning the entire wall. This would always come before these spells where everything would seem to speed up, or my body would feel as if it was inflating. I also associated numbers and letters with particular colors, and each one had a distinct personality. Sometimes I would black out and get lost in the world of letters and numbers interacting with each other. It was as if they were my friends. I both enjoyed this and would become overwhelmed by it. I no longer experience these black outs as intensely, though do still retain the personality and color relationships.
My first question is if this black out period is an issue of depersonalization/hallucination.
I also sometimes see colored clouds around people - not necessarily what I would consider auras, but more like intense energy. For example: once, someone I was dating had a bright, dense red cloud surrounding their head that I could see out of the corner of my eye, and I could tell they were angry with me. Another time my roommate had a black cloud hovering around their entire body, and from the corner of my eye, I saw fingers of the cloud shoot off in my direction, as if he were directing his hatred towards me. Other times I see light around people.
I don’t know if this is some kind of product of synesthesia or if I am hallucinating. But it does feel very real.
When I was a child, I also had this feeling that people were looking through windows at me, even though my room was on the second floor and the other windows were skylights.
Is this a kind of schizophrenic paranoia? I knew people couldn’t possibly be looking at me, but I couldn’t shake the feeling it was happening and would always have to peek through my blinds to make sure no one was there. (Or perhaps this is just a normal childlike egotism where all the world revolves around you?) Lately I just have a deeply paranoid feeling that everyone is going to hurt me, either physically or emotionally, depending (though this might be a result of PTSD)
Lately I’ve been hearing voices–voices that seem to begin to come from someone else, then once I recognize this intrusive thought, my own voice completes it.
I’ve heard that people who hear voices in their head are actually hearing their own voice but are unable to detect themselves saying it and so think someone else is.
What is going on with me?
I am currently being treated for social anxiety and major depression–currently taking 200mg of Zoloft per day and 1/2mg-1mg of Ativan per day. Should I speak to my therapist and/or psychiatrist about this? I am home for a month from college, and my doctors are on the other side of the country. Do any of you think it would be appropriate to contact them about this during my break, or do you think it could wait till I get back?
I’m asking because I’ve been having strong suicidal thoughts. And though I’ve been on this medication for about 2 months now, since I’ve been home I’ve been feeling absolutely terrible. Can a psychiatrist prescribe medication from across the country? Is this something I should just speak to my therapist about for now?
Any advise or thoughts would be extremely helpful.