Depersonalization, Hallucinations, Paranoia, and Hearing Voices - Help


When I was a child, I used to black out and see a small gnome on the lower right hand side on what seemed like a movie screen in my mind, turning a set of large metal gears spanning the entire wall. This would always come before these spells where everything would seem to speed up, or my body would feel as if it was inflating. I also associated numbers and letters with particular colors, and each one had a distinct personality. Sometimes I would black out and get lost in the world of letters and numbers interacting with each other. It was as if they were my friends. I both enjoyed this and would become overwhelmed by it. I no longer experience these black outs as intensely, though do still retain the personality and color relationships.

My first question is if this black out period is an issue of depersonalization/hallucination.

I also sometimes see colored clouds around people - not necessarily what I would consider auras, but more like intense energy. For example: once, someone I was dating had a bright, dense red cloud surrounding their head that I could see out of the corner of my eye, and I could tell they were angry with me. Another time my roommate had a black cloud hovering around their entire body, and from the corner of my eye, I saw fingers of the cloud shoot off in my direction, as if he were directing his hatred towards me. Other times I see light around people.

I don’t know if this is some kind of product of synesthesia or if I am hallucinating. But it does feel very real.

When I was a child, I also had this feeling that people were looking through windows at me, even though my room was on the second floor and the other windows were skylights.

Is this a kind of schizophrenic paranoia? I knew people couldn’t possibly be looking at me, but I couldn’t shake the feeling it was happening and would always have to peek through my blinds to make sure no one was there. (Or perhaps this is just a normal childlike egotism where all the world revolves around you?) Lately I just have a deeply paranoid feeling that everyone is going to hurt me, either physically or emotionally, depending (though this might be a result of PTSD)

Lately I’ve been hearing voices–voices that seem to begin to come from someone else, then once I recognize this intrusive thought, my own voice completes it.

I’ve heard that people who hear voices in their head are actually hearing their own voice but are unable to detect themselves saying it and so think someone else is.

What is going on with me?

I am currently being treated for social anxiety and major depression–currently taking 200mg of Zoloft per day and 1/2mg-1mg of Ativan per day. Should I speak to my therapist and/or psychiatrist about this? I am home for a month from college, and my doctors are on the other side of the country. Do any of you think it would be appropriate to contact them about this during my break, or do you think it could wait till I get back?

I’m asking because I’ve been having strong suicidal thoughts. And though I’ve been on this medication for about 2 months now, since I’ve been home I’ve been feeling absolutely terrible. Can a psychiatrist prescribe medication from across the country? Is this something I should just speak to my therapist about for now?

Any advise or thoughts would be extremely helpful.




Depression can include psychosis. Tell your Pdoc and see what they say.



If you are having suicidal thoughts, I think it would be very appropriate to call your doc despite it being a school break. I don’t know if he can prescribe across the country to refer you to someone who is nearer to your place, but I’m sure he can do something. This could be a sign of something new, a continuation of something you have been battling for a while, or it could even be a reaction to the meds.
Talking to a therapist would also be a good idea in my opinion. It doesn’t hurt to just talk to someone right?

I hope you feel better soon.



Thanks for your response. I think I’ll send an email to my therapist and see what she has to say.

I’ve been having panic attacks/feeling like I’ve been in a state of psychosis since last night (I’m not really sure about the differences), and I haven’t known what to do or who to turn to. I feel so alone.

I apologize if this hasn’t been the right forum to post under–maybe I should go to a more generalized mental health site?–but I needed to talk to someone… or do something. It’s been really nice reading all of the posts here.

Right now I’m feeling like everything is traveling at lightning speed, all senses are heightened, and my movements (no matter how slight and slow) seem loud. It’s a terrifying feeling.



There is something called psychotic depression. Maybe your depression is the cause of your voices and other stuff. I think you need to get in contact with you doc as soon as possible.

My voices are external and not my own voice. I have three male voices, two female and a child.



If you’re feeling suicidal, you should talk to your doctor right away. He or she may be able to adjust your medications quickly.

For most prescriptions, when dealing with a chain of pharmacies, your doctor could call in to your usual pharmacy. Then you call that pharmacy and have them transfer your prescription to your current location. This cannot be done with most controlled substances, like Ativan, however.

You need to take action and get stable ASAP.

Hope this helps.