It finally hit me, after a terrible 6+ months of extreme anxiety around people, that I’ve been experiencing delusions of grandeur.
Here’s the note I wrote to myself the other day that I read each day until this passes.
You are experiencing delusions of grandeur. You think that you can read everything by people’s body language. This is completely untrue! It isn’t a language that you can interpret! It is simply body language that we don’t even think about! It literally means nothing! You do NOT have a secret talent! Everyone is not looking at you! Everyone is not analyzing you or seeing through you, or paying any special attention to you. Look at the evidence! It has never happened! You have never caught anyone staring at you since schizophrenia! Ever! If someone wanted you to know they were looking at you, they would make it loud and clear! No one has! Keep reminding yourself that you are experiencing this, bad, under the surface for a very long time. What a relief! This burden you’ve been carrying for so long! Extreme, extreme amounts of anxiety surrounding this. Afraid to even walk passed crowds of people! What a relief! Keep praying for relief, keep being aware, remind yourself that you are just another person, let go of your ego as soon as you feel it rising up. Let go of that. It’s not you, it’s the false you that you think you are. It’s your illness. You ARE special, but , just like everyone else, you are just another person. And people don’t change, or make gestures, or move their body language when you are around them. Trust me, you would know if they wanted you to know. So let it all go. Let it all go and breathe a sigh of relief. You are just a regular person. Nothing at all to be afraid of, or that you are any less of a person. The REAL you is the person underneath all the anxiety, not what the illness puts in your head. You are aware now! What a blessing. This will pass.
It is good that you journal. It is providing you with great insight into yourself for your benefit.
Not only can you judge current states of affairs, but also allows you to look back at a later date to see how you were doing then, for better or for worse.
I like you inner dialogue too. It is compassionate and self teaching.
Thank you @labratmat , I really appreciate it. I just started recently journaling and it really does help a lot. Schizophrenia is so weird. I felt like I’ve been doing so well and then it finally hit me that although voices etc. were under control, this has been causing a ton of anxiety for a while. So to read what you realized a few days ago is a great reminder.
Same here. I got bad delusions of grandeur. I think i am a genius, when im really not. Im not successful either. A schizophrenic like me especially if one is a genius should work. Its not a death sentence anymore. Most of my perceptions of the world are off and i have imagined trauma i guess. It does feel real at times though.
My therapist told me to journal for homework. I wonder if this forum counts…she said hand written notes though. So i guess not. I also have to excercise and come up with two short term realistic goals. One of them is to work part time through dor.
I think this forum definitely helps a lot. I never journaled before, but posting here and being part of the community has been really helpful over the years.
I know what you’re struggling with for sure. Another nice thing about the forums. Your therapist sounds like a good one. Getting out of our comfort zone and living life to the fullest is the best thing we can do, in my opinion.
