It finally hit me, after a terrible 6+ months of extreme anxiety around people, that I’ve been experiencing delusions of grandeur.
Here’s the note I wrote to myself the other day that I read each day until this passes.
You are experiencing delusions of grandeur. You think that you can read everything by people’s body language. This is completely untrue! It isn’t a language that you can interpret! It is simply body language that we don’t even think about! It literally means nothing! You do NOT have a secret talent! Everyone is not looking at you! Everyone is not analyzing you or seeing through you, or paying any special attention to you. Look at the evidence! It has never happened! You have never caught anyone staring at you since schizophrenia! Ever! If someone wanted you to know they were looking at you, they would make it loud and clear! No one has! Keep reminding yourself that you are experiencing this, bad, under the surface for a very long time. What a relief! This burden you’ve been carrying for so long! Extreme, extreme amounts of anxiety surrounding this. Afraid to even walk passed crowds of people! What a relief! Keep praying for relief, keep being aware, remind yourself that you are just another person, let go of your ego as soon as you feel it rising up. Let go of that. It’s not you, it’s the false you that you think you are. It’s your illness. You ARE special, but , just like everyone else, you are just another person. And people don’t change, or make gestures, or move their body language when you are around them. Trust me, you would know if they wanted you to know. So let it all go. Let it all go and breathe a sigh of relief. You are just a regular person. Nothing at all to be afraid of, or that you are any less of a person. The REAL you is the person underneath all the anxiety, not what the illness puts in your head. You are aware now! What a blessing. This will pass.