I’ll often wake up in the middle of the night telling myself that I should be dead, that my continued existence is an abomination. Yet a few hours later I’ll be enjoying myself reading a good book and sipping green tea. What’s going on?
PS. @Leaf@everhopeful. When expressing ourselves the tone or emotional colouring doesn’t always match the content with people with our diagnosis. Please don’t jump to conclusions. I need to be able to discuss my death wish in my own way using my own words without been called names. I hope you’ll understand.
I drink green tea too, but I guzzle it. I make a pot of tea and leave it out to cool down for several hours. Then I pour it into a large tumbler and gulp it down. I guzzle a large tumbler of green tea two times. It makes my nights quite pleasant.
I wonder why my voices are trying to kill me when I don’t feel completely bad? I have a terrible death wish and people here are probably tired of hearing about it. I’m also an addict and they ALL have death wishes, I know. Suicidal thoughts are an addiction. I believe it’s primal.
I’ve heard that suicide most often occurs when someone is on the up side of an emotional cycle. Someone can be too depressed to go to the effort of killing themselves. So watch out. Be wary of your suicidal impulses. Don’t keep razor blades or guns within your reach, especially when you are high. You might think about going to Narcotics Anonymous for your addiction.
If only I can answer that I’m facked because believing it will send me into full solipsistic mode. I guess I’m trying to find out, once again, whether this is just existential stuff or not.
The trick is to actually do something rather than live in your head the whole time.
That means getting out and exercising, joining clubs and socialising instead of just sitting there in your head the whole time. Reading can only do so much.
@labratmat I’m mostly happy with the things I have in my life. I have family, friends, literature (and slowly I’m getting back to writing), chess and other interests. I also enjoy food and drink. What’s missing is the completely meaningless nature of the shared world, coupled with my personal perceptions and beliefs. As you know I have a deep mistrust in this universe and part of me is still convinced that it was created by a malevolent deity with my accidental help.
Then create meaning for yourself and others. True happiness lies in giving. Doing things for others. Volunteer or something similar and then see how that helps.
So many people are addicted to pain. Deep down they don’t want to be happy and don’t feel they deserve to be happy. Counterintuitively the ego punishes itself and gets off on the pain and feeds off it.
This seems to be where you are.
Read the two books by Tolle and get an insight on this.
I’m not addicted to pain, in fact most of the time I’m not in pain, my issues stem from elsewhere. I don’t think this is an issue of some moral failing on my part, of perversely and obdurately refusing to accept some revealed Tolle-style New Age truth and embrace “happiness”. If that stuff makes sense to you and you find it helpful that’s great.
And yet I am not on an antidepressant considering dying/suicide constantly.
You probably think i am just a figment of your imagination and don’t actually exist or something similar. The notion of helping others (who you probably doubt exist) and getting happiness from it comes over as incredibly depressing to you.
Wallowing in depression, ruminating is not working out for you, so what are you going to do about it? Dismiss happiness as New Age mumbo jumbo. Happiness is happiness wherever you find it, and deep down you are not even looking for it.