Dealing with the guilt and memories/anger

DX'd - Other
1

At the moment some of you know I’m trying to accept my illness, I admitted to my doctor that the thing keeping me back is that I caused so much pain and if it’s because of an illness then there was no reason, no higher calling from the universe or because of the government it was all me… And that causes me a great amount of pain and guilt, I remember what I did and I keep spending my nights awake just ridden by the guilt involved, what I should have done, could have done differently I know I can’t change the past, everyone’s telling me that there is no blame attached, that they forgive me my mum anyway and my team are saying it wasn’t conscious actions and it wasn’t deliberate but I just can’t trust that, I’ve caused so much pain, that everyone bar my mum is afraid of me despite it was her I hurt most, I don’t think I’ll ever live that down.

The other thing I’m struggling with is anger I’m ruminating a lot as to why no one helped me during my first break and also embarrassment over my behaviours, I was 16 and in school I remember talking to the voices at the time thinking I was being talked to, so I was talking to the walls and I remember ranting about the government that they were poisoning my blood, put an implant in my head when I was 3, no wonder I was bullied and no wonder my friends abandoned me and joined in. I spent time hiding in toilets during lessons out of feaf, and no one questioned me, couldn’t concentrate when I was in lessons and one time whacked my head against my desk during an exam because of voices. They obviously cared more about their grades than my life, if someone stepped in then, my mum tried getting my psychologist t refer me to early intervention a few months later due to things I was telling her, but no one did anything, if I was stopped then, then maybe I wouldn’t have schiz today, I would have been put on meds and stabilised, not be on meds and symptomatic anyway.

I feel embarrassed, guilty and angry as to why no one stepped in… The guilt is getting me most but I find my self ruminating over the other two, I feel overwhelmed, I’m not used to feeling emotion, my negative symptoms normally mask them for me so to be inundated is a little stressful and I’m finding it hard to focus, is there anyway t rationalise them or to stop them somehow or just tips on how to accept emotion rather than let it override me… Also can anyone relate? Everyone is telling me it wasn’t intentional etc which just makes me feel alone and misunderstood because I’m constantly beating myself up over it all.

Okay, thank you, take care,
Meg.

2

I think acceptance may play a key role in recovery. None of what you are ruminating over can be changed. The hurt can’t be unfelt and the embarrassment can’t be undone. You are not those things. Those things happened to you. Your mum is still by your side and still loving you because she knows that you are not those things. Maybe you need a time of grieving. A time to cry for all the things that did happen or should have happened. I know that while recovering emotions can be really hard to deal with. I wish that we could hid from them but we can’t and the more we try to the worse it feels. I would say to accept and to let yourself feel what you feel without any type of judgement. Give yourself the same compassion and empathy that you would a friend going through what you have gone through. Stop beating yourself up for things you cannot change. You can change the future and you can be the best version of you for yourself and for your mum.

3 Likes
3

That’s what I was going to say… :wink:

To Meg… I am in your boat 100%. I too am just waking up to emotions and trying to relearn them and it’s painful and confusing and there is a lot of hurt with the coming out of this.

I have been reduced to tears sometimes when I re-read or see a pic and my past comes back. I have NO idea how my parents could EVER forgive me… My sis? I try so hard not to think about how much I screwed up her childhood. Well, I didn’t screw it up as much as obliterate it. She didn’t get to have one thanks to me.

My family says the same thing… you were ill, it wasn’t intentional… It doesn’t matter. How can you look a monster like me in the eye? How do I make it right? How do I reassure you all that it won’t happen again? How do I live with myself if I feel like no one can trust me.

I know this sounds corny, but for some reason this helped me… I wrote down stuff I really wanted to make amends for. If it was little I tried to right the wrong, if it was big, I wrote a letter apologizing to that person for doing it. We also went to family therapy.

I found that not only did I feel bad for doing it, the person I was trying to apologize was ready to forgive and it was hard for them as well… to relive and revisit those times. They wanted to forgive and forget, but I couldn’t forget.

So we did go to family therapy and counseling to work through this past. Also… I began to tell myself… If I want to really make up for this ugly past… then make the present as good as I can. Take my meds, trust my family and try to ignore the world in my head and live in the world outside my head. If my family has an idea or a therapy, try to remember they are trying to help me… not kill me.

As far as why people couldn’t have done something sooner? I’ve asked myself that a lot… my therapist once said…
“Back then, would you have even believed them anyway?”
There were times I think my parents and friends were trying to get me help, but I just thought they were in on it… they weren’t trying to help me, they were trying to kidnap my sister. (No, they were trying to help, but I didn’t believe them at all.)

Getting over some of that anger also helped me get over some of my sorrow too. Those two like to travel together if you notice.

I know first hand how hopeless and dark it feels to be eaten alive by the past. It will trigger more of a negative swing. If I don’t get over some of this, my brain will say… “too painful… danger… too painful, insulate, insulate…” and then I’m right back in negative symptoms.

Fighting to get better will make my family happy and help heal the past. going to therapy or getting some help to get better makes my family happy and that helps heal the past.

Most of all… if your family doesn’t want to talk about it… please don’t take it as they are just fine and all is well. I’m sure it was painful for them too and not easy to talk about. They might not know how to clear the air because they are afraid to hurt your feelings and might very well be afraid of some of their own feelings.

So please be patient with yourself and your family. Be kind to yourself. It sounds like your just like me in the fact that you have a lot of yourself waking up right now. It’s confusing and hard. Patience, love, and forgiveness of the self…
A third party person to talk too didn’t go amiss for me either.

Good luck and I’m rooting for you.

4 Likes
4

Wow, thank you, you’ve hit the nail on the head really, seriously this is so helpful, you’ve made me feel some relief that I’m not alone and that I’m understood, the phrase that I have some of myself waking up is true, it feels that way…

What your therapist said makes sense, I don’t think I’d have been ready for help or would have understood, my psychosis made me feel like for once in my life everything made sense and if someone told me then it’s an illness I wouldn’t have believed them, I’m a stubborn person and my nurse says when he first met me he had to walk on egg shells because I so fiercely believed what I did and that was 3 years after school and therapy before then just didn’t work it made me worse, so you have a point.

Writing letters might be a good idea, I may do that, my family vary sometime they’ll ask me if I’m okay with a genuine hint but other than that we don’t talk about it, mum talks about it but my dad we never mention it, a letter may be headed his way but I’ll say he doesn’t have to reply or anything just let him go at his own pace.

I’ll focus on making the present better, continue with therapy and meds and try to make my future better, get out of myself, i have taken in everything you’ve said and thank you J; I’m rooting for you too, also for taking the time to reply!

Take care, keep walking on, we can do this!

2 Likes
5

Thank you Barbie, it’s good hearing this! I’ll try to ride with the emotions and you’ve reassured me that my mum may think those things. I think I could do with a good cleansing, I was doing my room earlier, sorting through all the rubbish and was overcome by all this emotion and just didn’t know what to do and wound up numb because I was trying not to show it maybe I should have flowed with it and it wouldn’t have drained me so much. I’ll try to treat myself as if I was treating someone else, that may help! I’ll work on my future, make it brighter and make things better, I didn’t think I could help heal the past by doing so but now it’s been mentioned it makes sense so thank you for taking the time to reply, it means a lot!

Take care,
Meg.

3 Likes
6

**You are on your way! It`s hard at first-but you are actually
making room in yourself for the good emotions that will follow xx

1 Like