At the moment some of you know I’m trying to accept my illness, I admitted to my doctor that the thing keeping me back is that I caused so much pain and if it’s because of an illness then there was no reason, no higher calling from the universe or because of the government it was all me… And that causes me a great amount of pain and guilt, I remember what I did and I keep spending my nights awake just ridden by the guilt involved, what I should have done, could have done differently I know I can’t change the past, everyone’s telling me that there is no blame attached, that they forgive me my mum anyway and my team are saying it wasn’t conscious actions and it wasn’t deliberate but I just can’t trust that, I’ve caused so much pain, that everyone bar my mum is afraid of me despite it was her I hurt most, I don’t think I’ll ever live that down.
The other thing I’m struggling with is anger I’m ruminating a lot as to why no one helped me during my first break and also embarrassment over my behaviours, I was 16 and in school I remember talking to the voices at the time thinking I was being talked to, so I was talking to the walls and I remember ranting about the government that they were poisoning my blood, put an implant in my head when I was 3, no wonder I was bullied and no wonder my friends abandoned me and joined in. I spent time hiding in toilets during lessons out of feaf, and no one questioned me, couldn’t concentrate when I was in lessons and one time whacked my head against my desk during an exam because of voices. They obviously cared more about their grades than my life, if someone stepped in then, my mum tried getting my psychologist t refer me to early intervention a few months later due to things I was telling her, but no one did anything, if I was stopped then, then maybe I wouldn’t have schiz today, I would have been put on meds and stabilised, not be on meds and symptomatic anyway.
I feel embarrassed, guilty and angry as to why no one stepped in… The guilt is getting me most but I find my self ruminating over the other two, I feel overwhelmed, I’m not used to feeling emotion, my negative symptoms normally mask them for me so to be inundated is a little stressful and I’m finding it hard to focus, is there anyway t rationalise them or to stop them somehow or just tips on how to accept emotion rather than let it override me… Also can anyone relate? Everyone is telling me it wasn’t intentional etc which just makes me feel alone and misunderstood because I’m constantly beating myself up over it all.
Okay, thank you, take care,