It’s been a rough couple of months. I spent New Years Eve in the hospital, psychotic, and a good part of January. I started getting ECT again and that has helped tremendously.
Last Thursday was the night from hell. I was having what people call auditory, visual, and tactile hallucinations. It seems so real. A man and a woman were having a conversation about me as if I wasn’t there. My pdoc showed me in his DSM that that is common enough to diagnose someone with sz if they only have that symptom. I wish that was my only symptom but I don’t know how I feel about that.
My most common visitor is Beelzebub. He’s a demon only I see and hear and feel. I had ECT on Monday but since Wednesday he is starting to come back. It scares me to be honest. I shared it in group today that he is slowly coming back. My therapist says I need to reality test as much as possible.
Not only do I have IOP(Intensive Out Patient) but I also now have IOC(Involuntary Out Patient Commitment). IOC is actually voluntary but because the courts order it they call it involuntary. It’s like case management on steroids. Their main goal is to keep me out of the hospital and help me be more independent. They’re on call 24/7. My mom can call too if she’s worried. They can also get me in to see the doctor in 2 or 3 days from when I ask them.
A lot of this post is just looking for support and also to ask if anyone has been on Clozaril what your experience is. Thanks for reading.
i didn’t like clozaril but that’s just my experience. it is supposedly the most effective medication for treating sz, according to my pdoc. i’m on olanzapine right now. i still have symptoms but it’s manageable. i choose for my pdoc to not put me on clozaril even tho she recommends it to me. it made me feel like a zombie. i crashed my car one morning because my dose hadn’t wore off yet. i drooled in my sleep every night. i had trouble swallowing food. i had to get blood tests every week and then every month after a while. it just didn’t seem worth it to me as far as quality of life is concerned.
Everybody reacts differently to meds. What you’re going through sounds really rough . I hope you have success with clorazil. Make sure you get the blood tests, otherwise it could kill you though. The blood tests are critical.
Thanks @johnny5 . Yeah I’m nervous about the side effects. My body handles side effects well though. I’d rather have them then this psychosis to be honest. The demon is trying to talk me into hurting myself and he’s starting to make sense.
Thanks @Wave you’re a good friend. How have you been?
@everhopeful Thanks so much. You’re absolutely right about people reacting differently. Both my boyfriend and I take Geodon. For me I don’t even feel it. For him he can’t sleep without it. Trust me I know how important the blood tests are. They only give me a week at a time until they get the results.
I’m just grateful for all of the support I have. Thanks though. I’m glad you’re doing better too. And it’s great we have this site too. To not feel so alone.
Hi SunGirl, I am taking Clozaril right now for about 4 years. I find it very helpful with helping me going to sleep and sz symptoms. Hope that it wil help you too. Experienced auditory,visual, and tactile hallucinations but only time and the right meds helped me get through this. I suffer severe anxiety and take clonazepam which helps.
Glad to hear from you @SunGirl. I’ve seen amazing things happen with ECT while I was in the hospital. Its good that you have the insight to see that the voices are coming back.
I was on Clozaril for a time. It was really effective… but for me the side effects were unbearable, so I quit it. Others on here didn’t have the difficulties I did and enjoy Clozaril.
Thanks @Skims ! Yeah ECT has been miraculous for me. It’s the only thing that gets rid of the demon. I guess that is insight, thanks for pointing that out. I feel better now. Sorry Clozaril didn’t work out for you. I took 25mg last night because I’m titrating up and I fell right asleep, but I’m awake now at 7:30 not zombified. Thanks for your experience.
Hope you feel better soon, Sungirl! You sound like you are going through a really rough time! I was worried about demons too, in my past (that they would get access to my mind and infiltrate my thoughts), but now it’s usually just a spirit man called Alien who is my constant companion.
I was on clozapine thirteen years ago for some months. It gave me heavy side effects so I stopped it. But I heard it’s a good med if one sticks it out.
Thanks so much for your kind words. Sorry you have a constant companion too. Do you see him? I see my demon. I’m going to stick it out with the Clozaril. It’s an intense med.
