I’ve started to wonder if I may be on the verge of an eating disorder.
I often go hungry for many hours at a time, and find it strangely energizing and empowering. Like I’m in control of my hunger, and if I can overcome that, who knows what else I can overcome?
I also worry about gaining weight tbh and I figure the more I hunger the more I burn.
There’s also an elemtent of punishment. I sometimes go without food to punish myself.
When I do eat, I don’t eat much before I’m full. I have maybe 2-3 meals a day, but they’re not big meals if I can help it.
My brother makes me eat when we eat dinner because he knows I have trouble with food, so when I eat with him I eat more.
Sometimes I feel guilty about it. Not that I don’t eat more, but that I eat as much as I do.
I take a med right before bedtime that requires me to eat first, and I often want to skip it or feel unomfortable about my late night meal. I usually just have a piece of toast, but still.
I don’t throw up my food, but the thought has occured to me more than once.
Am I grossly overthinking this? Is it just a part of negatives? Or am I bordering on something that needs adressing?
I’m no expert at it but I’ve known people with them and it sounds like you have are right on the edge of developing one. When you say you punish yourself by not eating - to my knowledge that is definitely the start of an eating disorder.
I would just be careful because if your self esteem dips you could start going without food more regularly. Make sure you continue to eat 3 meals a day.
I’m glad your brother makes sure you eat dinner. If you have a mental health team its probably worth mentioning it to them when you next see them. Maybe you can fix the thinking before it is able to become a problem.
I had an eating disorder and I understand what you mean about being in control of the hunger. It’s empowering but it’s not good for you. I’m lazy these days but before I swapped controlling the hunger with getting stronger. I did cardio, lifted weights, and made sure i ate food that built muscle. Seeing that progress was more exciting than not eating. Also, I got to eat a lot more and still was thinner than I am now. Muscle burns more calories.
To me that sounds like eating disorder tendancies but in terms of those types of behaviours and thinking in the UK they only refer you to an eating therapist once you reach some severely low weight. Idk how it is in your country
When I had my anorexia, I did several things you listed, but even more. In the midst of things I would only eat one meal during the day, and that wasn’t much either. I would also obsessively run stairs, every day I would run 90 flight of stairs. And the worst part of it was that I secretly enjoyed it. I enjoyed being 135 because I felt accomplished. It truly is a sick illness.
If I was you, I would try to get professional help right away. Please don’t do what I did.
I live with my brother, but I promised him I’d tell him as soon as I felt a relapse coming, and he said he’d send me straight on a plane back to the homecountry if he found out I’d been starving myself in secret. So I fear his reaction if I tell him this.
Going without food to punish yourself is concerning. Anytime we use food to punish ourselves it is not a good thing. I punished myself by eating more than I wanted last night, and even though that’s the opposite of what you do sometimes, neither are good.
I would definitely talk to your therapist about this, because the way you described your relationship with food is a warning sign of an eating disorder in the future.
My friend. You NEED therapy. I know you have made big steps in independence recently, but it is not a sign of weakness to use the tools available to you. You are going to get yourself in the danger zone with your eating habits, and they are going to go unrecognized by medical professionals until you get dangerously underweight and need hospitalization.
I had a battle getting Starlet into eating disorder treatment, because he isn’t technically underweight. He is in the 5% for his height and weight, but they say he doesn’t “look” too skinny so I had to really push to get him seen by a specialist. But the specialist diagnosed him right away.
In the meantime, letting this go unchecked will lead to worsening mental health symptoms, bad mood swings tied to low blood sugar, isolating yourself from friends, increased hallucinations tied to vitamin deficiency, dizzy and tired spells, and low activity levels.
I had a talk with my brother yesterday about the situation, and he made some suggestions. Like I should make a routine out of eating at certain times even if I don’t feel like it, like I did with showering and getting up in the morning.
And maybe use smaller plates so I don’t feel forced to finish a large meal I’m already sick of, and then feel sick/disgustin afterwards for eating too much.
When I had anorexia I felt as if eating was the only thing I could control. Like you described,hinger pains were empowering because could choose whether noticed fed myself or ignore it until it went away. I had the thinking reinforced because I lost over 100 pounds and felt I looked good finally.
I began eating small portions and doing some exercise as my answer to eating. I kept it healthy and only excercised within normal range- 30 min at a time 5 times a week.
I used to not eat for a couple of days before my sz. I was 127lb. I wish I could do it now and loose from my 285lb. I can’t now, I get dizzy, hand shaking and feel about passing out unsconsciously from low blood sugar.
i think the punishment thing is not the best approach. Some people do something like , oh if I run on the treadmill then I can eat a bunch of donuts. Like to remove guilt I’m guessing.
If you eat 2-3 meals a day your doing just fine.
Just keep it moderate, and try not to worry about how much you ate at a given meal, and just get a bit of exercise in when you can.
when im at my gfs house i eat less for breakfast and lunch, because her parents make massive feasts for dinner lol. so i must pace myself
You sound to me like you have an Eating Disorder. If you can’t afford therapy maybe join an online support group. I’ve struggled with food problems too.
My counselor told me once that if I couldn’t control what was happening in my life I could at least control what I put in my mouth. You may be feeling out of control in some way.
