I used to be a very skittish and scared and nervous person, and very conscientious. Then I suddenly became very confident and incredibly rude in my head and out loud and online, and I don’t know why. I also started talking to myself out loud, which I had never done before, and not caring about that whatsoever. I also started to contact people.
I believe in my layman’s understanding that craziness is directly linked to confidence. Not confidence as in hosting a dinner party, but confidence in a delusion. I have been quite used to delusions my whole lifespan, but I have always said to myself “I doubt that.” That phrase really helped me in life. So driving someone crazy is two things: one, telling them their cat is an alien, but two and much more important is making them confident in it. And I feel like someone turned my confidence meter up to the point that it actually made me socially confident, as in I could host a dinner party. A weird side-effect of that value overflowing.
Now I am confident, and I take actions to get attention, and I hate it. I hate being confident. I hate not caring about the repercussions for my actions. I used to be terrified to talk to people, and now I have no problem speaking. I preferred being scared all the time, and being terrified. I find myself laughing at almost anything, and I hate it. I have hated laughing my whole lifespan, and now I find myself laughing like an idiot all the time. I also hate feeling like the center of attention.
It’s nuts. I mean, to one degree I think I am invisible, and that no one cares or notices me. I almost don’t even acknowledge my own existence. But then another part of me is desperate for attention, acts out, contacts people, is rude, and plainly a despicable person.
Is there a drug that promotes nervousness? Like a drug that causes you to hesitate before speaking, or something of that sort? I hate confidence, and I hate Tyler Durden. I feel like that other takes advantage of my stupidity to get attention, and I don’t know why.
People talk about how they wish they were confident or something, but I wish I was back to being a meek and kind person. I just want to be a humble nobody, not somebody who thinks it’s okay to contact others and not care about making them miserable or others, or myself.
My goal in writing this is to find out if there is a way to get better at feeling nervous and not confident in yourself. I want to feel fear, nervousness, terror, instead of just not caring whatsoever. I want to feel scared, shame, and sadness, and self-loathing and especially to be angry and disappointed in myself. I have been so rude, and I have contacted so many people dragging my name and others in the mud. But I feel nothing. Instead I feel like laughing at the fact that I feel like the ultimate secret conspiracy is that the controlling intelligentsia are scared of cops with a 1.9 GPA and moral values, who are just too dumb to understand ‘what is necessary’.