As a child, my half siblings an I grew up in town houses in the city. Since we weren’t allowed to go anywhere, we’d stay in our OWN rooms since the four of us were like Germany, Russia, Italy and France. We each did our own thing since we obviously had different personalities an such. Anyway, we didn’t have the best ‘parents’ persay. We’d go to our rooms for almost the entire day unless it was time to eat or go to school. But we were literally NEVER to go outside, an we never went anywhere with our parents. I had nobody to talk to… I was lost in my room with my guitar and Legos. (I honestly still have the guitar) I don’t know how else to explain this, but, I’d go into a daze while doing something and just space out into another world of some sort. My wonderland. I kinda do this even after small things like, if I feel like someone’s going to get angry, if someone raises their voice, if I feel threathened in some sort of way. THEN there’s when danger does occur. I feel my body go numb, and my soul splits out of my body, an all I can do is sit and watch. I feel no emotion, I feel no pain, I feel only fear and anything similar. I feel like there’s cotton balls all stuffed in my head, where my brain should be. This ‘mind state’ occured very often as a child, as I tallied what I could as a child on my guitar. It’s rare for me today to feel any emotion whatsoever, especially with all the other ■■■■ that defines me. I just hate feeling like a robot that’s ran out of memory space…
Wow that sounds pretty rough and abuseful and neglectful. Every kid should go outside.
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I suppose it feels better to talk with someone about it. I have some bad childhood memories too. Some were good too, but bad ones stick longer…and deeper. Are you able to understand your parents behaviour now, or did you try to talk it through with your pdoc?
Sometimes it works better to just accept the past and live on. Sometimes people feel better if they found the way to assimilate and medicalize their trauma through art or something else. I hope you’ll find what fits you the best.