I had a boyfriend a few years ago who abused me mentally/emotionally and had episodes where he’d be physically abusive as well. He was very mentally ill and refused to give up drugs and seek help, and he kept getting worse and worse and taking it out on me.
After I got out of the relationship, it took me almost 6 months to get rid of him completely as he kept contacting me and making new profiles. During those 6 months, I’d lay awake every night worrying that that sound I just heard was him standing outside my window with a knife or something.
It’s been radio silence for two years now, but a couple of weeks ago, he messaged me again out of the blue. It wasn’t an apology or a desperate attempt to guilt me into letting him back into my life, it was just a message saying “wassup g how are you”
However, it started the whole obsessive thought spiral again.
I lie awake at night worrying over “what if” scenarios. What if he’s still wanting to hurt me? What if he starts calling or texting me? I don’t remember his number, so I can’t do a pre-emptive block.
I worry that he’s still obsessed with me. I thought he was getting help, and I know he lives in a group home now, but I guess he’s still on drugs. Why else would he still be obsessing over an old girlfriend he didn’t even seem to like?
I know I should just ignore him and let it go, but I can’t stop obsessing. I don’t want him to contact me, I don’t want to have nightmares about him anymore, and I don’t want him to think there’s even a slight chance I’ll ever want anything to do with him.
I just ignored his message, because if I block him, he’ll take it as an acknowledgement of him and start making new profiles to contact me again.
What do I do? How do I break myself out of being so afraid of him? How do I stop the nightmares? How do I get him out of my head?
All I can suggest is distraction, staying away from him and not engaging with him again. He proabbly wants a reaction and will get bored if he doesn’t get one. Ignore, ignore, ignore! Knowing that you’re doing the right things might help the obsessing?
Sorry to hear that you’re going through this. I had something similar last year and still worry about it even now.
Thanks.
Last time I obsessed about him, I would feel very sad because I felt like I could have stopped his drug problem and helped him out more if I’d just done something different, but now I know he had some choices to make, and he didn’t make the right ones, so it’s not my fault.
The only regret I have now is that I didn’t end the relationship sooner that I did.
I know how you feel. I’m glad that you don’t feel responsible for his behaviour anymore. I really hope he realises that it’s not worth contacting you again because you’ve ignored him. People like that are bullies and you’re best off shutting him out of your life entirely. Don’t even open a crack for him to come back in.
A while ago, last time he contacted me, I told my best friend I was considering letting the ex back into my life, and he told me "If he comes back, I’m out. I don’t want to stick around and watch you let him destroy you again"
And that really made me stick to my desicion of not having anything to do with the ex.
I usually hate ultimatums, but in this case, I’m glad my friend gave me one. I would never sacrifice a good friendship for a crappy relationship.
I don’t usually like ultimatums either, but in this case you were wise to take his advice. I’ve wasted time in an abusive relationship in he past and wouldn’t want anyone to go through that. It’s time you never get back. You don’t want to waste your life on a loser.
I’m 40 now and see people like your ex and my ex for what they are now - dangerous bullies and not people you should allow into your life.