I’m not sure I ever had an ‘old self’. If there was it stretches back well into single digit age. I think I’ve always been a little off key.
I don’t know who I would’ve been without psychosis cuz I’ve had symptoms as long as I can remember. Before depression I was a lot less empathic and I think less reflective. I also socialized very easily and never had any trouble with it. Before ptsd I was almost impossible to make mad I was very patient to the point where people called me saintly. I also didn’t have chaotic mood swings and didn’t feel like all my emotions were just too strong. And no anxiety issues I was pretty laid back and had a very chill everything will work out attitude. Depression did bring some positive change but ptsd brought absolutely nothing good.
Yeah I can,
But like I just don’t know
All I can is I was talking to a pretty smart friend of my mother and I was gleaming over the same struggle.
I said I was trying to remember who I was before I fell ill so I could see what went wrong.
She replied with abrasive backbone as she always does… “While that’s good… you shouldn’t be looking at that… you should be looking at who you were when you were 10 or 12.”
Again jesspresso… you’ve got a whole lot of insight.
I can remember my old self pretty well… the same dissociated thing that was steering itself through the noise and sense of displacement in the face of the world’s showiness… finding good grips for a heading that’d lead me to be intrepid, comprehensive, and content… only for that to fall asunder to the weight of the challenge of really actualizing who that person would be.
This is tangential… but I was speculating on why I might be “targeted” by some spiritual force or why any of would be… and it might be those who most are most deeply aware of what the human being could be and should be and therefor have the most deep and promising experience get hit with schizophrenia… not by actual spiritual forces… but a backwards lack of acceptance and respect and conflict in the self that would seek to be a jedi in all instances imaginable… just cause it’s how it should be. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few… and even the few outweigh the needs of the one.
But I’m still schizophrenic … the insinuations of me having those thoughts I try to wrap up appropriately.
Human’s want to be special… the schizophrenic brain destroys itself in the process of trying to maintain that sense of specialty in and of itself… and it might be able ot handle it… however that brain is more realistically just another aspect of the world and in that it’s internal bias is dismiss-able.
I cant remember myself before I was ill. All I can remember it is that I was happy, and I was sorounded by the people who loved me. Now the time has past the people who loved me they arent anymore…
Ah yes. The old spell you cast out before committing a crime. LOL I’ve heard and seen this particular one used to reason why criminals are so.
I think it is all true, but what is interesting is where begin the paragraph about humans want to be special, scz’s try to maintain that sense of specialness, and then end the paragraph with it is dismissable because the notion is of the biases from with in.
You’re not being inconsistent. You are consistent, but I would add the “value” parameter which is in regard to how on person values something in different ways than other people.
For example I might show you a painstakingly crafted painting or a construction project, and I might marvel the sheer consistent accuracy of the worker’s hands, minds, and the endurance from them the during the entire process of first learning their craft all of their lives, and then start and completing this masterpiece.
But you may come along and say that it is total crap, and it outa be tossed in the dump.
Nothing is worth more or less than what someone will give for it. So if you buy a car or a house, and you invest a lot of money to fix it up, but then you go to sell it, you may or may not be able to get your money back that you put into it depending on what the people that are looking for what you have are willing to pay. As soon as they can just go down the street, and buy one for less than you are selling, this puts a deep dent in your pocket because you know that in order to get a buyer you have to bring down your price lower than what you invested into it.
At other times you may put out a low price, and people may get into a bidding contest to where they are actually raising the price of what you have far over what you wanted for it.
And it is just a matter of how much they like it, need it, and how much they have to spend on it.
Similarly if I say that the painting or construction is just impeccable it’s because I have a lot of information about crafting one’s body and mind into skills for performances which went into their crafting. In that way I have more information to spend so to speak. You on the other hand may not be so experienced in such a thing, so there is no way for you to see that in it, and you would not lend a single second glance at those things. (LOL as if that is how you are )
By the way money is information. Some money can be used for other things other than money, but those things carry on them how much money they are worth which is all that most people want to know when using it as money. Also how much someone will give for a certain amount of money varies. For instance you could have had people working all their lives busting their heinies for a tiny fraction of what you have to pay to get the same performance out of people today if you went back a 100 years or more.
The work didn’t change. The information did, and now you have different information the money spent for the work which is merely the difference between the paintings on the money and the shapes of the digits imprinted on them.
It’s weird and it feels really trippy when I try to remember my old self. I’ve had horrible memories, mostly traumatic, up until maybe last year, so what my brain does is it shoves those memories back and pretends those weren’t me. So I don’t see myself as the deranged 12 year old who thought he was a god and could turn into animals, trying to rip off his clothes and do crazy sht, because it’s embarassing and I hate it.
Ever since I got off my antipsychotic I was more peppy, quicker to make clever jokes and more alert and motivated. More alive. But I hate it. I don’t like feeling peppy. I make stupid mistakes and embarrass myself. I liked it when I was an emotionless zombie who didn’t have the energy to constantly embarrass himself.
I also was mentally ill for practically my whole life but I have an idea who my real self is. She’s a hippie free spirit who loves art and writing and colour and living the simple life. And I’m starting to rediscover her funny but that real self was around when I had sz and the years I was in remission I didn’t have that real self but a religious freak self. I relapsed in 2012 but I think it was only last year (Jan 2016) that my real self returned. And I’m so glad! I missed her
Hah… neat. Thank you.
Yes. Poor guy…
I’ve tried to remember my old self but I keep seeing things through the lens of the present.
I feel like my identity never really changed after my sickness but my actions changed. I choose to behave differently than how I used to due to lower functioning. I am closer to normal than when I first started meds because I don’t have many of the negatives anymore. Day treatment sees me as having issues with self esteem. I do feel I’m lucky that I am able to enjoy beauty and pleasure because there is a lot to appreciate in my life. Things are “going well” for me.
See, this is a big issue I have. I can’t remember ■■■■. I have the memories of this life but it is like I wasn’t there. Then I have memories of other lives in other worlds. I hate It!
What were the other worlds like?
My “old self” at 22 years old, before mental illness, was a very situationally depressed, ding batty, and bulimic girl who was very bright, in college. I am not that person anymore. For one thing, I am no longer depressed, ding batty, bulimic or particularly bright.
Sounds like me when I was 14/15 !!
I’m so glad I’m over the bulimia now…
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