i feel like an oddball cause so many people say they are either delusional or they are not. in the last year, because of stress, i’ve been having past delusional patterns resurface and i can tell i’m not delusional but i still feel paranoid or suspicious but more than just that, cause my mind is interpreting stimulus in a almost delusional way
like, i hear people talking on TV, and my delusions of reference pop up, and it’s as if they are talking about me indirectly. or i hear cars outside, and that indicates that they are ‘coming to get me’. or i’m in a group of people in public, and their commotion makes me think they are spying on me.
i have enough insight to not technically be delusional. but i dont know what to call it. maybe it is delusion but it’s with a lot of insight? they way they define delusion leaves no room for admission ofdelusion being incorrect. i suppose a climinician might say that insight can only be where a person knows things dont add up about what they believe, but they believe it anyway. i know i’m in an altered state when these things happen to me… i can tell i’m in an alterered state as it is happening.
does anyone else linger around on these edges of reality like i often do?
Thats the same world i live in. I feel like my delusions are real, they Feel real, but logically i can rationalize and have enough insight to fight against my delusions. I dont always win, just 6 to 8 weeks ago i started having a delusion that the shower water was contaminated and makes me dirty. I didny shower for 16 days. It felt so real i couldnt fight against it. I felt soooo dirty when getting out of the shower, so much more dirty than before the shower! Its terrible. Ive worked with my therapist and psychiatrist and now im showering twice a week (i dont really leave my house, so i dont get that dirty). Logically i know im not covered in poop bacteria when i shower, but the feeling of it is crazy intense.
I used to think I was the source of everything bad in the world. lately things will happen and I’ll start thinking it’s my fault despite it having nothing to do with me
Luckily I’m typically able to talk myself out of it
My therapist mentioned that. Ive never had OCD symptoms before though. Ive had this “showers are dirty” feeling one other time, about a year ago, but then my psychiatrist added risperdal to my regimen and i was better within a few weeks. My APs are being messed with now. Trying to find a good balance they said. So i think ita that causing it.