And I was such an asshat. One of his friends just got out of the hospital and they were texting and somewhere along the lines she said “invite me to your wedding someday.” G told me this, laughingly. Then couple minutes later he comes back around and sits down and asks where should we get married? So I say, “What? We’re not getting married.” why not. “What’s the point? Why would we?” I thought you wanted to. I shoulder shrug. At this point my mind is reeling. He’s never given any hint that there is a future for us. Never “we” when he talks about the future. We are living together although I feel like a neglected housewife most of the time. After 5 years I’ve given up all hope of marriage and children (not to mention passing this onto future children). G got pissy and left the room. We barely spoke to each the rest of the night. And he slept on the couch.
Why am I such an ■■■■■■■? This is a conversation we need to have. But I don’t even know how I feel about it. I kind of feel like I don’t deserve to be married to him. He should move on to someone normal and leave me.
How do you guys feel about marriage? yea or nay? are your parents together still or separated?
My parents were not together for most of my life, but I believe in marriage. I also think that especially despite a mental illness we deserve to be happy.
Maybe you are a little bit hard on him. He showed you that he loved you enough to ask you that. But don’t beat yourself up, you have good reasons.
And marriage doesn’t equal children if you don’t want any. If you do, I don’t see the harm in that either.
I was once married in America, I took a big risk considering how high is the divorce rate in America. I had to go through all immigration related processes including the health examination by a doctor in Helsinki, this was a requirement for the fiance visa, it all cost money, all travels and so on. Getting married in America can be expensive depending what type of the wedding you would like to have. And as expected the marriage ended in divorce as so many marriage end. I have decided I never marry ever any longer.
Its unfortunate your marriage ended this way. I had no idea the rigamarole you had to go through to get a fiance visa! I think in America the stats are that it costs on the average $26,000 for a wedding.
I don’t think you were hard on him. You say you feel like a neglected housewife after 5 yrs. It only gets worse from there unless something changes the attitudes. That is what I would be discussing - not marriage.
Done the marriage thing twice - I no longer believe men and women can ever live together long term. So I may be a little shaded on that. It just seems it always happens - you take each other for granted, Then as time passes people change and not always for the better. Then you look back and 10 yrs are gone like that.
Think really hard about this. Don’t just jump in because…
Plus yesterday I was kind of pissy anyway. I cleaned the house. He came home from a half day of work, in the midst of my cleaning, and was annoying. I had to nag him to do something to help me. He never cleans up after himself, his clutter is everywhere. I have no idea why he thought that that was the opportune time to have a serious discussion with me when I was all pissy.
I’m coming up on my three year anniversary in October. Marriage is hard and it does change things. Depending on what day you ask me, I recommend and don’t recommend.
I will say this, if your bf really loves you and sincerely wants to marry you, then (assuming you feel the same way) then there’s no reason you shouldn’t get married. If you do, have a really good conversation about your mental illness and make sure you do not feel less-than, and that it is never used as a source of blame. Let go of the idea that he should find someone normal (I still struggle with this). He found and fell in love with you.
And, like minni said, marriage does not equal children. You choose that.
Congrats! Someone loves you very much! Enjoy it and embrace it ️
Divorces can be messy, during the divorce processes I had all kinds of voices, actually I started hearing voices in America some time before the divorce. It was not funny to be at the court room listening what the Judge said, during the divorce hearing I actually heard voices on the voice of Bill Clinton telling me to take the 5th.
So I wrote down everything I wanted to say just to be sure. Then waited for an appropriate moment after he had wound down from coming home from work. I said a lot of “I Feel’s”, tried to start with the positives and ended with the negatives, etc… everything I’ve tried to learn from DBT. In the end I think I ended with “How does what I just said make you feel?” He got all blustery, threw up his hands, got up and walked away. I think I may have been a little too assertive or aggressive with my pitch. So he comes back like 3 minutes later and says forcefully “You know, I’ve been ring shopping!” Oh, I had no idea. Ruined that surprise. So we spent a while talking and looking at rings he had been looking at. We are on different pages as to that. The guy at the store kept on telling him 75% of couples come in together to pick it out. I’m thinking to myself this morning, well he still hasn’t asked me to marry him, we are in negotiations.
@Skims my partner and I are currently “in negotiations” too.
We were going to go to America and elope in march next year but he got stressed out by my crazy self and stalled the plans.
now he is talking about a small wedding in Australia which I don’t want because that means a wedding with guests, dress, and expense. I’ve never wanted a wedding.
all this silly business really sucks the romance out of it doesn’t it?
business aside you can do a really nice wedding fairly inexpensive - at least in US.
Do they have stores like Goodwill or Dollar Tree in Australia? Goodwill is a donation store - gently used clothes etc. You can get a beautiful wedding dress here for 20-40usd. Dollar tree is a storee here that everything is a $1usd and it has a little of everything. You can get all the decorations there.
My first wedding only cost $200. tat was for food and everything. My 2nd was a little more because I bought all the bridesmaids dresses and still under 300.
Or if the have someone that can just officiate a ceremony - in US a Notary can officiate for $25 then you could have a beach ceremony or really anywhere.
Depending on whether mum gives up on waiting and books a river cruise for her next holiday as opposed to going with us to America, you might be called upon to be a witness at the wedding!
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