Schizophrenia.com

Believing My Illness is a Punishment

I used to be a very judgmental person. I was never very open about it but I had ridiculous standards for myself and other people. I’d judge people who were late to work back when I worked, not taking into consideration at all /why/ they were delayed in arriving. All that mattered to me was that they put extra work on the rest of us. I would pride myself on near-perfect attendance. Of course, I had to outright quit my job when my illness started showing itself… I would judge people by their appearance, too. I’d also judge people for getting upset about things that I wouldn’t let bother me because I’d made myself numb to the world. I know better now and I have mercy on and respect for other people. I know we all struggle. But there’s this lingering idea I have that my illness wouldn’t exist or would be a lot easier to deal with if I’d been easier on other people in my thoughts to begin with.

I’m being really hard on myself right now, it’s like all the judgmental energy I used to direct at other people is now being directed inward and it’s very painful to deal with. I judge myself for being mentally ill and for gaining weight due to my AP. I judge myself for not being able to work at the moment. I judge myself for not being able to handle stress like I used to. If I’d only been more compassionate to start with I’d probably have compassion to spare for myself now when I need it the most. For now, I feel like I deserve this pain.

Thanks for reading. Just had to let this off my chest.

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I judge myself too for not working and for being useless… I know how it feels…

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I went through a phase of thinking it was punishment too. Just because you’re suffering doesn’t mean you’re being punished for anything.

It’s just down to bad luck at the end of the day.

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@Om_Sadasiva I’m sorry. :frowning: I hope you can start to feel better about yourself.

@everhopeful Thanks, you’re right. Sorry you’ve felt like this, too.

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There are people who kills millions of other people and they live their life without problem, why would you be punished? Dont believe that please

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@Alan96 Haha, you’re right. :sweat_smile: I’m not the worst person to ever exist, I guess.

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I believed my illness was a blessing because I was forced to stay away from the evil people, I had more time to think about world’s problems and I thought this was God’s way to prepare me to be an important world leader. :slight_smile:

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@zeno Haha I like that take on it. I think our illness is good for increasing empathy. :slight_smile:

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My illness is cmy illness is circumstance.i cant speak of here.im already being watched on here.

@roxanna I’m sorry. :frowning: Hugs for you. :hugs:

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I just took my meds thpugh my bf thinks im having a nervous breakdown.

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Ya, I sometimes think my SZA is punishment. Maybe past life karma or something?

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all people are sinners more or less. and all people suffer. we just have a different illness. there are many illnesses.

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