I used to be a very judgmental person. I was never very open about it but I had ridiculous standards for myself and other people. I’d judge people who were late to work back when I worked, not taking into consideration at all /why/ they were delayed in arriving. All that mattered to me was that they put extra work on the rest of us. I would pride myself on near-perfect attendance. Of course, I had to outright quit my job when my illness started showing itself… I would judge people by their appearance, too. I’d also judge people for getting upset about things that I wouldn’t let bother me because I’d made myself numb to the world. I know better now and I have mercy on and respect for other people. I know we all struggle. But there’s this lingering idea I have that my illness wouldn’t exist or would be a lot easier to deal with if I’d been easier on other people in my thoughts to begin with.
I’m being really hard on myself right now, it’s like all the judgmental energy I used to direct at other people is now being directed inward and it’s very painful to deal with. I judge myself for being mentally ill and for gaining weight due to my AP. I judge myself for not being able to work at the moment. I judge myself for not being able to handle stress like I used to. If I’d only been more compassionate to start with I’d probably have compassion to spare for myself now when I need it the most. For now, I feel like I deserve this pain.
Thanks for reading. Just had to let this off my chest.