I haven’t posted on here in a long time and I doubt any of you remember me but I need to vent to people who might actually understand.
I used to be on Zyprexa. But it made me gain weight and I had trouble writing, which is something I really love doing. I asked my doctor to switch me to something else and I’ve been put on Abilify.
I had more paranoia and discursive thoughts than on the Zyprexa, but I was willing to accept that because I could finally lose weight (which was getting dangerous) and I could write which made me feel so much better. I thought, I’m pretty lucid. I can handle a little more trouble. But things have just been too hard lately. It’s really starting to wear me down, more like erosion by small particulate than anything big.
I have trouble sleeping and I just can’t deal with the nonstop nature of it. I’m starting to get like I was when I had my major episode. I’ve never been a danger to anyone other than myself but I am so frightened of going back to how I used to be. Maybe asking to switch just so I could write was hubris and I’m being punished.
Last night, I was worse than I’ve been since I got out of the hospital. I was able to know that I was being delusional but it was really hard not to give in. I got really scared. So this morning, I called my doctor and sent an email to my therapist about needing to switch back.
My psychiatrist has always been sort of ‘Here are your pills now get out of here.’ I like my therapist but I feel she doesn’t talk to me in the way I need her to. I have trouble opening up and there is stuff I feel like I’m dying to talk about if I could find someone I trusted enough to listen to it and respond in the way I need. Maybe I’m asking too much.
I’m really thinking of finding another set of doctors. I’m just concerned about what the new doctors will do. I suffer from an addiction to complacency and I hate the thought of trying to deal with someone new and that unknown factor.
But what bothers me most right now is how long it has been since I’ve heard from them. I can hold on, but what if I was having a full blown episode. I have people who love me in my life but I can’t talk to them because they don’t know what to say. Why is there no safety net for so many people? How can we be expected to make it?
When I applied for Social Security, I had financial and emotional support from my mother. It took a really long time for a decision. There would have been no way I could have made it without her help. I would have either ended up homeless or dead. What is wrong with this world when people don’t look out for each other and are just so freaking callous?
Many of you are in that situation. Many don’t even have the little bit of netting I do have. I know I’m one of the lucky ones and even I feel like nobody gives a ■■■■ half the time. I don’t believe in false platitudes but know that even if you don’t get what you deserve, you do deserve it. If I deserve to get better help, I know that you do. We all deserve a nice, warm place full of people who care and understand. I guess we just have to build it for ourselves. Only I don’t know how.