Hey yall part of the recovery team. Is it the more social day your having the more stress it gives you? I mean I literally get fried out, its like my brain can’t handle that amount of interaction. To really understand a person I must look them in the face, watch over my impulses. Be responsive. Man it just takes so much. Different approach. Some people talk just to hear themselves, bullshitting but the point is endless. To match energy, some people don’t like you to talk, until they have finished what they had to say. Even though how boring their ego just shows it’s ass and ruins social conversation. I hate the feeling of sharing something too close that I accidentally let slip because I wasn’t aware of how I was carrying myself. Silence and staying to oneself is an attribute I have and I shall not let go. However when I find myself doing the silence thing around other people. The response I get from others is negative. Like I hear them thinking this guy can’t think of anything to say. All I have with me is my body language. Paying attention to others but not so much you scare them by staring at them in moderation has been my best way to communicate, ask questions, get the topic. I hate convo’s with people that have much potential, but get stuck and don’t advance. It’s like we’re both waiting on each other to add on conversation. Well I know I have issues, and I appreciate your concern of the topic. The more advice I get from you guys, the better I become, and able to advance in social recovery. Thanks for reading.
staring at people is not a good thing to do, i am an expert at it , it makes people feel uncomfortable.
if talking to someone try and bring humour into the conversation, it helps to relax people.
if they do not get your humour , don’t worry, most people take them selves way to seriously !
get a basic book on body language this will help you on cues to their emotional state whether they are feeling comfortable or not.
i used to be a doorman/bouncer when young and used basic body language to calm situtations down, so they did not escalate .
social interaction is more difficult for sz, in my opinion, and menial conversation to me is pointless but unfortunatley a necessary skill.
hope this helps a bit.
I find that theres a balance between making eye contact and staring. Staring is making eye contact when they dont…basically just staring at them non stop. Eye contact should be reciprocated, like look at someone when they are talking to you, look at them when you talk to them, but schizotypal or schizoid or autistic people dont get eye contact, they dont really make eye contact much (i cant stand that).
It helps to make the conversation fit the context, like in school I ask people what year they are in, what classes they are taking, oh that sounds cool, is that class hard? Do you work? Do you like in an apartment, dorms or in a house? why they are taking a class is usually a good place to start a conversation at.
But what I mean is, keep it relevant to where you are and what you are doing- like at a party, ask who they know and who they came with, ect. then move on to whats your occupation, so on and so forth.
First off thank you both for the aiding reciprocation. I know people have a hard time talking if stared at its like they are having self conscious issues, they can’t stand someone reading into them. What are ways to bring in humor? John at my gym he’s multiracial mixed with spanish, white, and something else. Another guy there named Bobby said something like me and John being the same feather flocks to together. I said you mess with one bean, you get the whole burrito. Humor I mean I rarely have a genuine type laugh I feel deep in the gut. But I listen to comedy on Pandora. It helps break the ice of this seriousness I got going on with myself. I know I take myself too serious. I been studying body language on the net for a couple years. So a lot has to do whether they are comfortable or not? Thanks alot darksith I build upon knowing.
Yes the balance, the rate at which I decode information, eye contact, staring. It has to be timed? thats where I’m off. I don’t stare at them non stop. ok there’s a new rule for me, look at someone when they are talking to me, and look at them when I talk to them. I see. Yeah like if I’m at the gym, talk gym stuff. Thanks man for giving something to work with. I got to try again tomorrow.
When I’ve been around people a lot I end up feeling very drained after words, and I have a much harder time getting to sleep because their voice stays in my head for a while. So I really do excuse myself from large groups a lot and then I come back. Plus when I’m in a group, even a family gathering, I’m usually standing. I never feel relaxed enough to sit down.
I do find that I stare at people. I don’t mean to, but it happens. I am learning how to stop doing that by trying to at least confirm that I am listening and not glazing over on them.
It blows me away that you’ve been listening to comedy stuff too. I’ve been watching tons of comedy because for me, it’s a safe go to topic… everyone has a favorite comic. It helps me not feel so bad about myself when they ponder the strangeness of some of the things I ponder and they give me a lot of hints on human behavior. I learn a lot from comedy. Plus it feels good to laugh. There were many years in there that I couldn’t.
I know how you feel lester, Im not a fan of social situations. I don’t mind meeting people I know, but I hate meeting extended family. I tend not to meet them. If its causing you much grief, try evasive tactics. Like for example, I know I don’t want to go to a family do at Christmas. Its in my in-laws house, so Im just gonna volunteer at a homeless Christmas do this Christmas. Its one way out of messy situation.
Wished I’d had heard this years ago…
I have a question for you Surprised J, and I wonder if you feel the same way. About when you said you feel very drained after words. Do you feel like any heat in your face? I physically after I have been socializing a lot feel red in the face I can’t concentrate on what I’m doing, I’ll forget to eat.
Heat in the face does sort of hit me in the thick of it. I feel like my brain is working to hard. When I’m in the crowd and I can feel myself just getting hit with a lot of energy or vibe. My concentration goes out the window and I end up in a hyper phase where I can’t sit down, my hands will shake a bit, I can’t keep a though in my head. Then everything gets jumbled. I do forget to eat and I can’t get to sleep for many hours either.
After that fades off, I am so cold. It’s like I just spent too much time in the snow. It takes a long time to warm up and get my concentration back.
I should say it depends on the crowd. In my math class, everyone is sitting quietly and there is only a bit of discussion about math and then we’re all back to work. I feel Ok after math class. But a large group or something where I have to interact more, it takes more energy.
With me I go introvert totally. And I know, having SZA introverts are what we are unless we push ourselves to experience some form of vibes energy. My energy is good at first. But then after awhile I go back to introvert. Because I feel alienated from the rest. I switch between ignore, doubt. Or Alert, when I’m alert and talking my body language or composure with an individual is not in touch with others. Meaning I’ll blurt something out without genuinely listening to the heart of others. If I miss the heart of others, the relationship goes into who is that guy over there? Do we even know him?
For a long time I was very much a extrovert but do to not having a lot of friends and relationships I taught myself to be more of an introvert. Now long conversations start to make me annoyed and make me want to spend some time alone. Where I use to enjoy talking with hours with friends.
Well Boris have you considered maybe you might want to be an extrovert again someday in your life? I was an introvert for 10 years. Because I was going through recovery. Its been hard, but I understand people a little better than I had been. Understand yourself and you will understand others.