So I’ve found most all my delusions are frightening, Accusing, negative , convicting and condemning of my past , leading me to make bad choices. Sometimes they elevate me to an important person. But does anyone have a feeling of peace or love?
Thus far, never. It’s always negative and terrible and I get to a point where I want to kill people because I’m so paranoid.
I’ve read an article that said delusions tended to vary based on the culture the person lived in. In eastern countries, people would report being spiritually connected to the dead, and they would believe they were guided by spirits.
Mine are almost always negative and connected to extreme guilt and terror.
Before I had some euphoric ones too though! I really liked those a lot!
For example, during my second psychosis I had been very afraid of all the dark and bad things in the world. Then I suddenly was overwhelmed by a feeling of great happiness and content. Everything in the world, dark and light, good and bad, felt perfect and exactly according to Gods plan. I felt great love for all the people in the ward and was giving compliments to people there all the time.
Another time I felt really emotionally flat and zombielike from haldol and thought this was permanent brain damage. When I stopped haldol, my emotions didn’t come back. I prayed a lot over this and then suddenly I got so happy again, overflowing with love and joy and euphoria. At that moment I thought God had healed me and I was receiving the Holy Spirit. It was only a couple of weeks until the next relapse into terror, so he didn’t stay for long…
So… I had some euphoric moments, but most of the time I thought I was literally the worst person in the world and the only one left by God to go to hell.
So this is similar to what I experienced after I gave up on my failing sinfull life and decided to live the rest of my life God’s way. It was while I was in the hospital. Personally I feel it was God because usually everything I feel is so negative. What do you think about your positive experience, do you think it was God or physcocis?
I guess I’m an odd case, since I’m close friends with most of my guys. It’s probably about 80% good and fun times, 5% “can you please stop talking, I’m trying to sleep” and 15% pure pain and fear.
Since sz is mostly not negative to you take meds?
Currently I am not.
Where you diagnosed?
I don’t really know what it was. I tend to go back and forth in my interpretations.
At that time I definitely thought it was God and I felt better because I chose for Him, so He helped me. Especially when I prayed, was overwhelmed by joy and then turned back to my normal loving, joyful, nonpsychotic self again. I could function perfectly for a few weeks and really felt as if God had saved me. I was so thankful.
But these feelings of happiness always left me very quickly… sometimes an hour, sometimes a day, sometimes a couple of weeks. I fell back in complete terror and guilt about previous sins again. And praying and bible reading and even exorcism didn’t help. I would feel devastated, because if God had saved me before, did my relapse mean He had left me again? Did I do something wrong to deserve this? Of course you always do or think things wrong, so I’d always find a sin that caused my relapse.
Now I hope and think it was not God doing the “switching”. God would be more constant than that, I believe.
IMHO God wouldn’t help you out so that you are all happy and then abandon you an hour, a day, or 3 weeks later and drop you into terror again? That would be cruel!
I think it’s me going back and forth between different emotional states, different levels of trust and connection and illness, and not God going back and forth between helping and leaving me.
I feel God is helping us at times . We are in an imperfect world and God does not reveal himself 24/7 but does shine a beautiful light for us at times even while in physcocis. Satan is persecuting us and manipulating us at other times. Our illness is also part of this broken world in which we need meds for.
theyre either negative or neutral. mainly negative though
Yah why can’t we just go happy mad and not have everything coming in on us like we do.
They might be glimpses of God we experience. And at other times we’re just to overwhelmed by bad emotions and illness to experience His love. Or it’s all my own emotional ups and downs. I still hope there is a loving God who will make everything right in the next world though :), but I really don’t know anymore what to believe after all the psychotic drama.
I look at this illness as a spiritual battle and the effects of a fallen world. I would not trade this illness for a normal life with no God experience. Most people go through life with no connection but we all live in view of this unbelievable precisely built universe.
I’m not sure if I want to see it as a spiritual battle again (that frightens me). But thanks for making me think about these “God experiences” again… I have always had a strong feeling of connection to God, even before getting ill. Now I had turned away from all religious experiences and explanations, because my terror revolved around religion so I’m a little scared of going there again. And meds take away the religious experience. But I want to very carefully see if I can find some of that back again, in a healthy way. Just looking at the way the universe is build helps. Thanks.
I thought 3 billion people believed I was Christ, and 3 billion people thought I was Lucifer.
So I walked around the Psyche Ward trying to convince everyone that I was neither Jesus nor the Devil…just Patrick.
An anorexic woman on our floor had a crush on me. She’d smile and wink and touch my arm. She really humbled me. She had this huge problem, and there I was with my pie-in-the-sky delusions.
Sometimes they say something like “Oh hey your a cool guy we like you” then as soon as I accept the compliment or whatever its “you think we were telling the truth we hate you, I can’t believe you fell for it.”
Your Bio says you earned your Masters! That’s wonderful! In what field?
Mine are always negative. Always disturbing and frightening.