My first appointment with this new therapist is this upcoming Monday morning. I haven’t been able to sleep hardly at all because my anxiety is cranked up. We lost the power here for a day due to strong winds, and I didn’t have any stimulation without the internet, and nowhere to go. My mother and her husband were home as it was the weekend (this past Saturday, or yesterday) so I couldn’t pace around the house like I usually would. I just felt trapped with my thoughts, which made it worse.
I’m afraid this therapist is going to be the only therapist I could find online with her first name, that works in this area. The one that has a page for herself that is all about how she is a Christian, she is very outspoken about it. I can be fine with religious people on a casual basis, but I can’t have a therapist who talks about her religion, or it’ll mess me up even more, and I’ll never be able to talk with her about anything.
I don’t even know what I’m supposed to say to her. I figure she’ll ask something like, “What brings you to therapy?” or “Why are you here?” and I don’t even know where to begin. Plus the way it works at this place, is that you have to see one of their therapists before they will consider letting you have access to the psychiatrist. So someone who is only trained to provide therapy for depression, anxiety, substance abuse and family dysfunctions, will be making a decision on whether or not I should get to see a psychiatrist.
My mind is also getting more wound up and torn about knowing this appointment is coming up. Feels like I am warring with the most common type of delusion issue I tend to get, which seems to be a mixture of grandiose (but scary, not fun) and paranoid.
I think I’m mostly scared to tell her because I’m mostly scared she will agree with me. I don’t want it to be real, it’s terrifying. But if she is religious then she might agree that it’s real or that it could be real, and if that happens then it’s like someone giving me a rough push backwards deeper into my own messed up mind. I’ve already got my grandmother harassing me with emails saying she wants to take me to a priest for a deliverance ritual.
I can’t stop thinking about it, though. I know I shouldn’t have but I wound up up all night watching videos from people who feel and experience the same things I do, or similar things. I just don’t know.
I feel like I’ve been managing to walk around this house for several days now, looking normal, sounding normal, being normal. Holding it all together by the seams. The only thing that gives me away is that I’m not sleeping well, haven’t showered in over a week and am smoking too much, but my mother and her husband don’t pay attention to things like that. They just don’t want to hear about anything, and don’t want to see any negative emotions. I feel this sense of terrible doom that this appointment will somehow go badly, and then the seams will rip, and then everything will get very bad at home.
Just wanted to vent it out.