I’ve been on disability for 3 1/2 years, through my state’s retirement system. My diagnosis is sza depressive type.
I feel guilty for taking the money sometimes. I’m only 47 and far from retirement age. But my entire career has been a fiasco of holding on to jobs by the skin of my teeth and through many tears, alternating with short term disability leaves and hospitalizations. Currently, I collect 60% of my previous salary, and it is enough to get by when combined with my working husband’s income.
I think there is an acceptance issue with disability the same as there is with the diagnosis itself, or with resigning myself to taking meds for the rest of my life. I still feel like I should be able to beat this illness and go back to work, but the reality is that my best isn’t even worth 5 hours a week. The reality is, even when my meds are working well, I have severe paranoia and agoraphobia. I am, in fact, disabled.
How do you deal with the fact that you are on disability for your sz/sza? Was it hard to accept or did it get better with time?
I don’t feel terrible about it. My story is worse than most because my most serious problems arose from getting off meds. I always justify it with my delusions, which is sad. Nothing really I can do about it. If the meds didn’t zap all my energy I would feel more guilty.
The meds certainly do zap my energy! Every afternoon when I crawl back into bed after being awake only three hours, I am grateful again that I am on disability. The side effects were horrible when I was working, I used to have to sleep in my car during my lunch breaks. Which of course aroused suspicion about what was wrong with me…I don’t miss hiding my illness.
I feel guilty getting SSI. Most people on my Facebook are relatives who believe I am just a slacker or too lazy to get a job. My dad got disability after trying for years he has sza, copd and some other issues.
I got into a fight with my brother because for years he claimed SSI was holding him back. He passed review and got deemed fit to work but he doesn’t look so he says people like me are the reason he can’t get SSI again. My brother was diagnosed with ADHD, autism and bipolar disorder when he was younger.
I feel thankful sometimes to have it. We struggled when my partner lost her job years ago but my ssi paid the bills
That’s a good point, it’s an extension of the stigma, isn’t it? We’re not too lazy to get a job, we just can’t do it. But your average person just thinks it’s all an excuse.
@anon39736208 You don’t have a spouse or kids do you? Those with schizophrenia and have a spouse and children are in a different situation than those schizophrenics that are single.
Other people expect me to be normal, because I look somewhat normal. Sometimes I consider gouging my eye out or getting a face tattoo or growing a spare head out of my shoulder or something just to shut them up.
Nobody understands that it isn’t self-pity that forces me to retreat to safety, but I can’t do meaningful work even when I’m being employed. I’m just too sluggish, slow, and lacking concentration.
Yeah I don’t feel guilty. I too worked my ass off with a lot of failures. I couldn’t compete with normal folk when I was working so disability has been good for me. I live as large as I can and enjoy my existence. Yes. I’m grateful for a system that helps me out for sure!
i would be homeless if I didn’t get disability payments on SSDI. I cannot work. I have a panic disorder and I am also agoraphobic as far as going somewhere and work. no way…I am grateful for my check each month.
I don’t think it’s less fitting for me than for people with easily observable physical disabilities. I mean. mental illness is a physical disability when you think about it. The brain is a physical organ, and the symptoms are caused by physical disturbances, perhaps chemical which is still physical.
I also don’t think its less fitting than for one with dependent children.
Yes I am grateful for the SSI money, the healthcare, and the housing I will likely get in the near future.
But I no longer feel guilty or like I am unworthy of the help. If I can, I will work part time in the future. That will be to improve my life, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Is it that you can’t share with them/they don’t know you are mentally ill?(Relatives on Facebook) If they know, IMO there’s not an excuse for that attitude in this day and age.
I suppose many people like to blame others for their own problems, and usually the people they blame are no better off than them, or worse off.