Last night, I had a weird dream. I dreamed that I had tried to kill myself, and had just woken up after the attempt. The method was irrelevant, I just remember being so shocked to still be alive. Shocked, and frustrated. I wanted to scream, to berate someone, whoever found me and screwed things up. I wasn’t relieved to be alive, I wasn’t regretful of my decision, I had wanted it to be over.
That falls in line with a potentially unhealthy line of thought I’ve been having for a few weeks. It’s not that I want to try to kill myself, but I think I’ve stopped seeing death as something to be afraid of. I don’t WANT to die, not exactly, but part of me would be relieved. Or, rather, wouldn’t be anything at all, and that’s lately been a comforting thought. The idea of an end, an exit, a ceasing of being.
I think about what it would be like to die. Slowly, preferably, to just gradually slip away, fading into nothing. And sometimes it doesn’t seem so bad. I make plans I have no intention of keeping, but the ideas are there anyway. I think about how much easier it would be on my family, who supports me, to whom I have become a burden.
So I guess my question is this: should I be worried? Is this hospital worthy, or do I need to actually want to do it to qualify? I don’t want to go to the hospital, but I will if I have to.
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I went for many years wanting to die. It wasn’t that I’d kill myself but if I got hit by a bus that would have been fine with me.
I wouldn’t be overly concerned with a dream but if you start feeling that you’re likely to actually attempt to take your own life then you should get help.
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Yeah, that’s about where I am. I wouldn’t go out of my way to end my life, but if it happened I’d accept it.
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Oh, my paranoia is actually pretty bad lately, actually. Death just isn’t one of my fears any more. I still fear abandonment, and embarrassment, and stuff like that. But hey, I can say it’s paranoia, and even kinda believe myself!
i used to wish for death… physically walk across busy roads with eyes closed, walk on the ledge of tall buildings etc…
but i figured that death will find me one day, there is no need to seek death out.
death knows how i feel and how you feel.
enjoy your time as much as you can.
take care
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I’m going to try and post an answer that is not glib or trite… I don’t really think it would be hospital worthy due to this highlighted part.
I’m not good at dream interpretation, but this just could be your mind coming to terms with your life. Or it could be the death of your old life and the beginning of a new one.
I used to think that my leaving this life would make it so much easier on my family… I came very very close to that exit door.
After waking up in ICU covered in tubing with a deeply traumatized kid sis in the waiting room… I found that it won’t be easier for them AT ALL…
I DON’T want to die in anyway right now. I’m finally getting a handle on life. I actually feel like I can do this… I can take it in stride and find some joy despite this head circus.
For now… I’m sort of in the boat of… if it’s going to happen… I probably won’t know what hit me.
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