Sometimes I wonder if the doctors made a mistake on me when I was in the hospital. All those scans and tests they ran. I know deep in my heart I have schizophrenia but sometimes I wonder if I’m just blowing things way out of proportion. Like when I tried to explain that most of what I hear is more so in my head than with my ears someone tried to tell me everyone has that negative little voice in their head…though she hadn’t seen or heard from me when I was in my worst of states.
Like the most recent relapse I had (the strongest one) I believed I had bugs crawling over me. I was working a stressful 7 day work schedule (full 8 hour days) and one little rumor started about someone having crabs and then it blew way out of proportion in my head. I thought I had them, and then when I was at work I’d start feeling sick and well I eventually quit work and worked with my doctor to readjust my medication in take and after two weeks or so I started to calm down and the panic attacks started to subside. Since then it’s all been in my head stuff.
I know what’s real and what’s not and I think that’s the most confusing because if I know it’s not real then why do I still see something? If I know that a delusion or hallucination isn’t real then is it really schizophrenia? It’s not like I can control when something flashes before my eyes, or just off into the corner somewhere. It’s not like I can always control myself from laughing at some of the funny conversations that play out in my head. Then I just feel worse because I did laugh.
I don’t know, it’s just the voices trying to convince me that I’m not really sick and I don’t need my medications. But I still take t hem every night regardless of what they’re telling me. I just wish I could get them to shut up.