Sometimes i feel like im a bad person and evil, not because of my schizoaffective disorder but because of past actions. Ive said some horrible things about other people in high school, that would make the devils skin peel and i can’t take any of it back. I just don’t know how to resolve my past actions. Ive hurt people emotionally pretty badly in the past and i just want to be able to get past it so i don’t feel like im a terrible person. All i know to do is to try and give my time back to the community and help others and do things that fullfill my soul. But i can’t stop remembering my sour past. Have i changed or am i just covering up evil? I just don’t want to reach the end of my life thinking everything ive done has been for my retribution. I want to do good but have i really done any so far? At least im not in the same position i was in high school thinking my only way to retribution for my horrible actions was suicide though sometimes i think that might be the only way. But it cant be it just cant be
Would you, knowing all you know now, do the same things you did then? If not, then you’re not the same person. Don’t beat yourself up over it.
I find that an individual is truly worthy of forgiveness of past actions if he/she has the current ability to forgive others indiscretions. If you can forgive others, then you should truly be forgiven. And, hey, it was high school and early adulthood. Best time to fail!
Rabbit, a person is a flowing stream. No matter how familiar the banks and islands may look to you, it’s never the same water flowing through.
You’re a collection of thoughts, actions, moments, constantly changing. You’re not the same person you were in high school. In five years, you won’t be the same person you are now. Learn who you want to be, examine your regrets and understand them, and become who you want to become.
My experience of you is that you’re a sweet, thoughtful person. You’re a good egg. The way you truly express regret is to make sure you don’t repeat the same mistakes. If that’s what you’re doing, that’s who you are. 
Hey man, quit beating yourself up, give yourself a break. Almost everybody is an as*hole when they are a teenager or younger. When we are that age we all do stupid thoughtless things. We hurt peoples feelings or bullied someone, or we talked behind peoples backs. It’s part of growing up at that age. No teenager is an angel. You can’t base your life on mistakes made so long ago at that age.
But if you insist on making up for some past meaness as an adolescent, then giving back to the community is a fine idea. If you are still doing bad things, then you should feel guilty. But if you’re not hurting anyone anymore than you can forgive yourself.
If you want to take action to rid yourself of regret or guilt than maybe you can do what they had me do in AA, CA, or NA while working the 12 steps. “Make amends to people we have wronged whenever possible”. When I worked the 12 steps I had a lot of people who I had wronged in my addiction. I had lied, cheated, manipulated, used and stabbed people in the back. My AA sponsor had me apologize to people whenever I could do it safely. If I couldn’t do it in person, he had me call them up. If I didn’t know how to contact them, he had me write many letters with my apologies written out, stick them in an envelope without an address and stick them in a mailbox.
But sometimes apologies aren’t enough. Apologies can be empty words sometimes. So if you want to make amends than don’t do the same things you are guilty of before. That makes the apology more meaningful. An apology is useless words if you don’t change and stop doing whatever you needed to apologize for in the first place. I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, " Put the past behind you".
Thanks everyone that really was quite kind. Im gonna take yall’s advice and work to be me.
Thanks i needed that
The church Jesus philosophy can help, not the stuff the nutty people talk.
im a evil person, just trying to find some rest in this crazy world.
You’re a good person. What you did in the past stays in the past, you have a chance to not repeat the same mistakes and be a better person. It takes courage and determination, I’m sure you’ll be able to do it. I think you started already. So good on you for being great!