And constantly laughing at me and my actions…almost like a bad ass little kid.
When I think about sex or masturbation…I feel as if that people are ridiculing me & laughing at me so I have to hide or “mask” myself to get a moment of privacy.
I hear screaming in my sleep as usual. Usually in the form of, “your an ■■■■■■■” or “stupid ■■■■■■■■■■■■”. Which is basically what I hear when I wake up and it lasts all day.
If I un"mask" myself…it’s almost like people can “actually” hear me and I’m not hearing lies based upon what they think about me.
When I pray they tend to go away for like 10-20 minutes then they are back.
It’s like another harsh reality & I don’t know how much longer I can put up with this.
And yes I’m on all my meds and everything but it’s getting maddening.
I take all my meds too and go to therapy and still believe I am being watched (and controlled) 24/7. It is very frustrating when you can’t do anything about it. Also, I only found out (got sick) in June of 2015 but this has been going on for 15 years. Talk about having your privacy invaded! Showering, peeing, masturbating, coloring my hair, talking to myself, talking to my cat, every email, every photo, every time I had sex. Absolutely nothing is private. AND they can control me so they can make me do things and I will think it’s my own idea. It’s pretty Fu*cked up. I feel your pain.
I know it sounds lame but maybe try to get used to it. I get crazy about it too but there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. Not a damn thing. I am to the point where if they are not physically or mentally beating me, I am grateful. Try to just let it go and accept it. Worth a try.
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