If I accept the fact that I might have schizophrenia I think that my worst delusions will come true and that this is the next step. The conclusion to my experimental life. For years I have thought that I am some experiment and sometimes base my actions off of these beliefs. Sometimes they have made my delusions feel more real and others I have found myself at a dead end. I think I developed this as a coping mechanism for stress and tell myself that I need to find more positive ways to get through. Without the way things are for me life seems very boring. I’ve been trying to be honest with people in what is really going on with me or when I’m having a bad moment, but every time I do people freak out and want to corner me. When I am stuck in a moment and don’t want to ride the wave I get very angry and do whatever I can to push people away. One huge belief that I have now is that I am on death row. I have a time limit to find peace and if I don’t then more bad things are going to happen, and when I do find peace then I’m going to be executed. The court takes many samples of my DNA and this sets things a fire. I been trying to change my delusions into more positive things, but it just seems like I’ve gotten use to the most crazy ones that they just seem normal to me now. I think that once I finally accept what is really wrong with me then I am going to be put away. I get very suicidal thoughts because I’m tired of believing that I’m going to be framed for some brutal crime. Which makes me feel that I already have and they are just trying to get me to remember. Once I remember then things are going to get really bad. I’ve tried really really hard to remember and I get pissed off because when I think I got it figured out, things do a 180. My last psychosis I had a competency exam and was found to be competent. The interview was like meeting with an alien trying to really get inside my head. I couldn’t stop crying because I could only get out what I thought she wanted to hear. She was very demanding and I still didn’t crack. I thought that I was a spy and the things I was telling her were programmed in my head for those kind of situations. Even the forensic lady couldn’t tell I was not in touch with reality. I’m so desperate for a change that I want my brain shocked but because I already think that I am an experiment I can’t even think of this as an option. The things that I have done are very hard to get out. I use to hide when this stuff would happen but now I just don’t care any more. I think that everyone can read right through me, but is never on the same page as me. I just isolate more because coming into contact with the wrong people can really send things overboard. It’s easier to get messages from my computer than actual people. I can question what the computer says, but doing this with people has just caused more problems. I’ve tried every kind of medication with many different diagnosis, but I still have little improvement. If I didn’t have legal issues I don’t think I would really care about getting better. Being a criminal involves jail and prison and this is the place where I get trapped. Being trapped makes me very angry because I can’t do anything to make things stop and if I seek help then I suffer abuse for just not being able to take it anymore. This has really motivated me to make a change.

1 Like

This topic was automatically closed 7 days after the last reply. New replies are no longer allowed.