A poem about the ever-changing sides of sza

Schizoaffective
is so strange.
One time
you’re calm
Relaxed
Comfortable.
Then
You’re tense
Scared
Paranoid.
Followed by
Angry
Ranting
Dark.
Changing to
Elated
Spectacular
The best.
Never a dull moment
In this world of mine
Never relenting
Inside my mind.
I’d give it all up
In a heartbeat
For a boring day.

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Mine is a combination of all those symptoms and also bored from it.
I am bored from being ill.

I do not remember what it is like to wake up and feel okay and happy and peaceful without any mental adventure.

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I rarely get bored. I get lost in my mind

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How long have you been sick.

I am so sick and tired of the same thoughts every single day for the past 7 years. Wow.
I am still recovering from the first time I got sick 7 years ago. I still have flashbacks

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I can remember having hallucinations in my teenage years but wasn’t diagnosed properly til I was 38. I’m 49 now.

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You are still lucky.

I got ill at 21. I had symptoms since 16- the ones I remember.

Now I am sick since 8 years

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Awesome I totally feel you

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This disorder can be so consuming

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Yeah I broke down today and just walked out the door and kept walking. Just wanted to scream, shout why me…

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I always want to scream but its so stuck inside me i can’t

I internalize it into self hatred so yeah the scream becomes a self destructive digestion

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Here’s another sza/sz poem. My outlet.

I have no one to talk to
I feel alone
There are things
I can never speak of
Just carry inside
Like a sack of stones
Sitting in my belly.
So I sit with my stomach churning
And my mind racing
With thoughts of paranoia
And self loathing.
I can cry tears for everyone else
But not one for the me
Trapped in this crazy shell.
If people knew
What lurked in my brain
They’d turn and run
Or call the authorities
Have me committed
So my only defense
Isn’t insanity
It’s falsity.
Dangerously I know
Sometimes things seep through.
Ugly paranoid ignorant things
Things that shame me.
I run those conversations
Til every word drops
Like rote we learned in school.
So I sit here wishing I could cry for me
But I’ll cry for you instead
Maybe someone is shedding tears
For me too.

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Beautiful, couldn’t wow its 3 am and woke up to that…thnx…I rarely feel not alone but I felt your words

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