A bad thought

Possibly triggering post******
I am undiagnosed but currently working on figuring out what is wrong mentally because I only just realized I might have a problem. Among many things, (You can read my I need Help post) the other day I worried about what would happen if I got married and when I got older I got really ugly and my husband saw me getting ugly. Then I thought, oh that’s simple, I’d just kill myself. I don’t think I actually would but my brain just concludes issues with killing very quickly. I’ve never been suicidal in the slightest but I think about death as being a really easy way out if it was ever needed. Then I feel bad about it.

I get these thoughts. I am just sitting around when I casually think… “Hm, the kids are asleep, I should go kill myself now.”

I have very brief passing thoughts of ending it all but I know these always pass fairly quickly and also that I’m probably in this for the long haul as I know it would devastate my family, especially my niece…I couldn’t do that to her.


I did try and leave this life and almost made it. Woke up in hospital with a highly traumatized kid sister who found me. (she still has nightmares about that day)

I couldn’t do that to her or the rest of my family again. I’m here to stay.


suicide is the one thing i’ve never seriously considered. i have kids so it’s just not an option i would even entertain. xxx


This is very common for me.
“Oh I have almost a full bottle of klonopins, I should take all of them and overdose”
“I’m driving a little erratically right now, I might as well just plow myself into a tree.”
“They think I’m a loser, might as well die.”

Not sure why we do this, but I don’t think it is mainly a symptom of schizophrenia.
Actually I think lots of people without mental illnesses do this as well.

But it always comes up in the psychological tests my doctors make me take.
“Do you fantasize about killing yourself”
I answered a lot, because I do. But I’m not suicidal! It’s just thoughts!
It’s healthy to think about death every now and then, just never act on it!