Too scared to tell

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I’m still suffering, I’m still dead. I look in the mirror and see the dead looking back, I smell of infection and decay and everyone is too polite to mention it. I’m putting on as much smellies as I can, I pondered walking to the morgue this morning.

I told my mum the other day about getting through the summer, (I tried telling her about this but she didn’t really get it, she wasn’t in the frame to listen and I’m embarrassed to tell again) maybe increase meds, she didn’t agree, said I need to stop relying on pills and help myself. But I feel this is going badly I’m feeling very low, I don’t understand how this is happening, I have a pulse and everything, I’m making myself eat, I’m making myself drink but I don’t see why i should, other than the fact i’m protecting my mother. I’m crying at night, waking up god awful hours only to see myself get killed again. I want this over. I want to cut my skin badly and show everyone when no blood comes to prove I’m dead.

I don’t really know what’s happening. I want to shout at my mum to listen. But she’s very stressed, has only just started her holiday and she’s threatening to send me to my dad’s for two weeks, which is a terrible idea, I’m going anyway but not for two weeks, I want to prove i’m well, there’s nothing wrong with me apart from being a force of nature all of it’s own. I’m scared to tell her what’s happening and want to know the best way to go about it. Any ideas? How do you tell the one’s you love that you are suffering?

I’m struggling to know whether this is real or if everyone is right and that it’s a delusion. But what the hell?! I’ve never experienced anything like this which makes me doubt whether it’s delusion.

sorry to post again, just needed ideas on how to tell mum, it’s incredibly painful saying i’m okay when i’m far from it. This is going to end in disaster if i’m not careful.

Take care,
Meg.

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I’m so sorry you’re struggling. Can you get a sooner appointment with your pdoc? It sounds like you need a med adjustment. You shouldn’t have to struggle. Your mom may just not be able to “hear” it right now. Can she go to your appointment with you? Maybe if a doctor explains it to her she’'ll understand. When I was really sick I desperately wanted people to understand what I was going through so they could fix me. I didn’t want to go in living in that hell, but I was too chicken to kill myself. When I got the right treatment, I realized it was I who was responsible for my own happiness and nobody could fix me. I hope things get better. Keep posting! :sunny:

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Hope it gets better for you.

We’ve all got our fingers crossed.

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Hey Meg~
My heart goes out to you!
Why don`t you show her this post? Has she ever been to this site? Might be an eye opener for her.
You do not sound ok. There is nothing to prove!It really sounds like maybe you need a med change.
When are you seeing your doctor again?
Much love…

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There are some things that my son is unable to communicate to me. I can try to understand to the best of my ability however some things are not within my own experience to completely understand. Your mom may not be able to understand what it is like to struggle or suffer from a cotard delusion.

I wish there was a way that I could assure you that you are alive and not dead. Your heard beats for a reason. I don’t think that you need to prove to anyone except maybe yourself, that you are doing ok. It is ok to not be doing well at times. Speak to your pdoc about what you are feeling and give him a chance to help you get through this.

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I am so sorry this is hitting you. I’m also really sorry that no one has been able to help you with this. I wish I had some idea to help you feel better. But this one has never hit me. I’m thinking that maybe Bridgecomet has an idea… even if your Mom doesn’t read this site, have you though of printing out your post on this topic and showing her?

She might be able to help you better and understand why you don’t want to see your Dad yet it she knows what your fighting. She might be thinking that a change of scenery for you would be helpful, not knowing that it was really throw you for a loop right now.

I’d guess your Mom might be more stressed not knowing what is upsetting you.

It took me a long to time and a lot of family therapy to finally realize that being stoic, and “protecting” my family from my head circus only made them worry more. When I learned how to open up, I found they could help me… I’m glad you looking for ways to let her know what your fighting through.

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Hi everyone, thank you for your replies; things came to a head after a failed life drawing class, I couldn’t cope with teh male nude and the old ptsd reared its head, I didn’t talk until yesterday afternoon. I tried explaining the being dead… She didn’t react well just kept saying I wasn’t dead, but it helped getting it off my chest and she was more reasonable as the day went on. I hate the talk of how I have to take responsibility and that I’m clinging to mental illness with all my might but it’s just not that easy! I’m not clinging on, I want it to go, I’m tired of this!

I suggested doing challenging with my mum but she’s so aggressive with it, verbally i mean, very intense, it just makes me more anxious. I sort of block it out.

We’re increasing my gabapentin in the mean time I’m seeing my nurse on Friday, I’ll see what he says with regards to meds, I think I need some tweaking, I’m not liking this and I’m getting more inclined to hurting myself, why can’t I? I can’t possibly die… The only thing stopping me is that mum keeps saying if I don’t pull myself together she won’t let me go to my nuerology appointment, I just want to get fixed. Maybe if I get help physically, if this is just delusion, then it will relieve some of the pressure…

I feel awful, I smell, I look dead and I’ve never felt anything like this in my life, I genuinely don’t know what to make of it. I very confused. And the memories I’m having make me full of despair, for so long I told myself they weren’t real I suppressed my memories and now they’re rising. I don’t feel I can talk to my nurse about them as he’s male and I worry he’ll feel threatened by me.

I might look into therapy else where. I’ll continue with cbt. I still have a lot of work to do. I’m worried this wont go away, I’m starting college in September I need my wits about me, I don’t want to be tgis irrational and thought disorder is acting up, I would like to get on with my class mates, I’m fortunate that they’re all my age or over so hopefully, they’ll be more understanding than teenagers. I don’t know, I’m exhausted as it is.

This is getting tiring, I’m having to protect my family from the bulk of it, I couldn’t even utter the remote truth to my dad, he never understood but he loves me which I appreciate. Mum is worried that I’ll do something dangerous, so am I, but I wouldn’t admit that to her.

This is long enough, I appreciate your replies. Sorry it took so long to reply.
Take care,
Meg.

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