This might be a touchy subject for several reasons.
First, as I understand it, the notion of a motivated delusion is on the decline among most people studying/treating delusion. Other models to account for the rise of delusion have gained popularity, though for some delusions like erotomania, motivation still seems to be a popular explanatory factor. (Although I personally think psychodynamic and neuropsychological accounts of delusion operate at different levels (reasons vs causes), this is beyond the point here.)
Second, the more obvious point that makes the issue touchy is that it can be taken to put blame on the patient for his suffering when one is imposing a motivational explanation of delusion on the patient. (My stance on this is that this can only be the correct interpretation of a delusion if the patient agrees with it. Again, this hinges on the reasons vs causes debate, which is not where I am trying to get at here.)
What I do try to get at is the question whether anyone else did some soul-searching during (or after) psychosis and identify motivational factors for their delusional thoughts? I found and agreed to a need to feel special that supported my delusion of a telepathic ability, which was also framed as a āgiftā and came with a sidestory of being āchosenā etc. To find this supported by motivational factors has helped me to dismantle the delusion. For I reasoned that given this need, there might have been other means to satisfy it than endorsing this interpretation of experience. And it also opened up the possibility of working on my desires in the first place, to change character such that I would be no longer motivated to endorse this interpretation.
We must take care here, because we are speaking of the human brain and nervous system which are highly complex systems of different organs of thought and motivation. These can often conflict, and in schizophrenia, where there is the emergence of delusional thinking and belief, we must take it that one part of the brain holds those connections. After my psychotic breaks, when I learned - through language, to question the validity of my delusions, this occurred in the Broccaās Area of my brain first. Healing can occur this way, over time with the restructuring of self-boundaries. But it needs to be understood that schizophrenics have no greater desire to be āspecialā than anyone else, but rather the desire to be special only seems fulfilled in a serendipitous way by the breakdown of ego boundaries with the fragmentation of the personās mind. This is not by the personās design; he or she is not to be blamed.
I think for meā¦ there were a lot of factors that keep feeing my head circus. But being chosenā¦ was in the mix. I remember a feeling of having purposeā¦ and if I didnāt have the beliefs I didā¦ then the purpose would be gone tooā¦ then what was my life good for?
I do remember there was a lot of stuff in thereā¦ that Iām still trying to sort throughā¦ there was mediaā¦ and patterns that my brain refused to let go ofā¦ there was the panic and paranoia that to a basic level was justifiedā¦ but not as much as my brain would tell me.
(example: kidnappersā¦ to be aware of your surroundings and who you deal with is a basic justified levelā¦ to accuse your own teacher and coaches, neighbors and parents is off the scale.)
It is touchy because I donāt feel like I had control over my head at all during those hard yearsā¦ but at the same timeā¦ when I think back nowā¦ I can understand how my actions might have keep the circus goingā¦ sort of self perpetuating.
Itās not an easy thing to faceā¦
I feel Iām working towards this in awayā¦ things still creep inā¦ tendrilsā¦ that get bigger and take root. But I keep working on not giving in to the sneaky brained thinking.
I wanted to add a few thoughts. Its good to question our delusions of telepathy, grandiosity and/or persecution. Wouldnāt it be nice to be that special? It is both logical and reasonable to admit that we are not. It is also a tremendous relief. Continuing hallucinations may complicate recovery, and medication may be permanently necessary - it is for me. Other symptoms may persist too. But delusions are, in my experience, the worst of it all. I have discovered that precision in language - that is, using words that are not open to wide poetic interpretations helps me avoid delusional flight.
One other thing I want you to knowā¦ you already couldnāt be more special than you already are, and you are unique. That is as special as special gets.
Man, I need this place. There are quite a few of you who set great examples for what being grounded looks like. @SurprisedJ youāre one of them. I stray from being grounded so often but when I come around you guys are inspiring.
None is needed. This does play into the caveat I made concerning reasons and causes. Similar to looking at family history (at least in some cases) in interpretation of believes, this is to endorse a belief (or desire) as a reason for thinking something. This is a matter of justifying oneās actions or beliefs, such is a logical connection, not a causal one. It gives meaning to the belief/action by grounding it in other beliefs/desires. One has the freedom to interpret some previous event as a reason for acting, simply by endorsing it as such, and one also has the freedom to refrain from doing so. After all, we are free to say what reasons we have for our actions or our beliefs (of course there can be good and bad reasons, such is a normative issue). One does not have the freedom to choose a cause for oneās believes. This is why
Unless he or she endorses a motivational factor as a belief. IMO, this is where psychoanalysis has gone wrong sometimes. Imposing something that could possibly be endorsed as a reason as a cause for the patientās belief, without the consent of the patient. Only upon such a confusion does one end in the realm of blaming.
It seems like such a simple concept. To just let it flow. The content is so terrible though. Iām getting better at it, had to learn what the triggers were behind each voices or statement. Like a big switch board my mind would roll all over. Iāve come a long way in just being able to relax and focus, makes letting the mind flow a lot less offensive and derogatory.
Sometimes my voices trail, sometimes they lead. Right now though I feel pretty stable and set in the mind. Voices on the periphery wonāt let me totally forget the psychosis. Iām doing the best to forget any ways.
The voices for me were always on tooā¦ itās what they were saying I had to learn to ignore. Or focus harder on the more benign ones. (my last med tinker has knocked them to a whisper)
I do know they acted up more after a huge family gatheringā¦ but for the most partā¦ they were always thereā¦
it was some of the delusions and the visual hallucinations that I could identify the triggers for and start to kick those down.
I wish I had benign voices. They never manifested for me. The voices will say positive things and then guilt me as soon as I buy into them. Psychosis aint fun at all dudes.
Itās my benign voice that would never never shut upā¦ I thought of it like the commentatorā¦
ānow James is opening the doorā¦ why? Ohā¦ to go in thereā¦ why go inā¦ā
Why is James using the spoon and not the forkā¦ this is tomato soup. Now he takes a sip of water."
On and onā¦ and onā¦ and onā¦ every little movement described like one of those golf announcersā¦ in that hushed even toneā¦ that sort of chatter all day would completely tick me offā¦ and then some.
Yeah, thatās been vaguely on my mind. Whenever Iām down and out my mom will tell me āYou donāt remember the way things are when they are good.ā
Iām trying to level out man. Reducing both the bad and good for something more consistent.
Self perception and expectations and acceptance. These are things I have to keep sight of.
Right now the illness doesnāt bother me at allā¦ It sucks thoughā¦ Knowing that Iāll still wind up pissed off and ā ā ā ā again.
I agree that we, at length, choose our beliefs, but only atlength. One must live through the vicissitudes of life to arrive at an informed decision about oneās beliefs, otherwise one is helplessly in the hands of his or her influences, and this is inescapable, since we cannot precede ourselves in sophistication. We must earn freedom of choice - it is not a given. That everyone is simply born with free will is a happy fantasy. Some people grow to develop a panoply of choice for their experience while others remain painfully limited. And these differences are as natural as are the trees of the forest.
As to blame: I am not interested. What interests me is solutions to real difficulties like delusional thinking, and I think you are correct when you self-treat your delusions with self-reflection. It isnāt for me to dissuade you in your assertion that you see as the reason for your delusions a need to be special, I am merely suggesting that it may be a bit more complex than that, but including that as a component.