Mental illness... Becomes fun?

2.5 years in and well… I think I might be starting to enjoy this.

It’s fun to talk about. It’s fun/challenging to cope with. There is a lot of insight about the human mind in general I wouldn’t have known otherwise. There is also that dream of completely conquering it and returning to a normal life as a champion. Not for anyone else to see, but just that internal sense of having accomplished something. Mental illness can teach you to accept modesty in life, it can help show you that life is better without the use of drugs. A whole host of things.

It has also shown me that the world is kind and forgiving and that people are actually quite reasonable. There is stigma out there, and sometimes we stigmatize the normies. But most developed nations have disability programs, a pretty righteous facet especially in conservative countries.

I’m allowed to live and sort this out. It’s like a school in and of itself. When you master coping with the illness you graduate.

I’m beginning to let go of it. My psychosis was persecutory and had me out up against the world. I’ve even learned to lie to myself. Totally believe in things that aren’t true. Kind of a double edged sword but it’s totally under my control. It helps to subdue the controversy of certain situations, and find comfort when faced with thought broadcasting delusions.

Like when I’m hanging out with my brother and he does drug x or y. Then a few hours later I’m hanging out with my mom and she asks about how he’s doing. For a while there my mind would be spinning behind the ■■■■■■■■ I was telling her. Now I just willfully forget that I watched him consume that stuff and totally believe the ■■■■■■■■ myself, in most cases it’s not totally inaccurate just the drug use is left out.

It’s just becoming fun to play around in my head again. I don’t deal with dangerous concepts like the illuminati or aliens. But practical stuff like trying to envision light waveforms and how light travels linearly while also diffusing g and what that indicates about the nature of the photon and how energy is interchanged within this framework of photons. And boom my mind is like what the ■■■■, this place is mesmerizing. It still doesn’t make any sense but I’ve seen what all the textbooks and Internet says.

I’m going to go on a tangent for a second. Apparently the frequency of a light ray indicates how many packets of photons are perched in even distribution along the length of the Ray which extends at the speed of light until colliding with an object. When that contact is made the the photons flow at light speed from the source to the object. Damn I’m rusty this raises a lot of questions.

I’m pretty sure that last paragraph is totally unfounded. But that’s the kind of ■■■■ I find myself thinking about now. I’m going to see if I can’t find a good reference to answer my question.

Speaking of light. There is light at the end of the tunnel. People who have experienced their first break need to know this most. ■■■■ the terrible prognosis that comes with this illness. I like to believe that the sky is the limit on recovery and management depending on how far your willing to investigate it.

Nueroplasticity is your friend. You might think you’ll lose prt of your humanity in acknowledging that we are just machines, but I’ll tell you know that you won’t.

Peoples sense of reality varies from person to person. You’ve got to sacrifice what is comfortable and how to negate what your illness might tell you and find what works. In lieu of that, I’ll tell you there is no spirit world or telepathy. It is all a framework of hallucinations which is maintained by your internal subconscious automatic beliefs and perception of the world.

Most of all relax and try to make the best of each moment. We’re all in this together.

Don’t do drugs!

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Hate that I can’t break away from this site.

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Very cool… it’s nice to see you so optimistic.

I’m glad your feeling better.

As far as getting back to normal… I don’t believe that after some of the schit my mind has pulled me through… I can ever be “normal”

I can be functional… I can find a way to cope with new stimuli better and face new skill challenges without so much anxiety. I can work on getting through my day with no head circus. I can work on social skills and relating to others in all different situations…

There are some things that after you see or experience… you can’t unsee or unexperience… so I’ll never be able to be normal… I’m content with that.

But normal… will never happen for me.

If your happy… and you can get out and do what you want when you want and find peace in your mind… then your ahead of the game…

Good luck and thanks for the positive vibes. :v:

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Thanks man. It’s just following the trend of adaptation and recovery. I won’t quite ever be normal either. But in some regards I feel better than normal for the understanding I’ve developed through my experience.

I mean to contradict all that I up there and to expose the nature of my illness. I’m still very certain telepathy is real. I can’t not at this point, not yet anyways. Not only does it give me an explanation for what happened to me, I feel it also gives me insight into how the other are constructed the kind of frame of mind they operate from just by reversing the criticism that has been thrown at me. I’m going to spend a little more time in this state just to see how far I can go in controlling my thoughts and putting the original controversy behind me. If my hallucinations went away man it’d be like a great pressure was lifted but I’d also wind up with a lot of sloppy detestable thoughts.

I’m confident though I can unravel it all with time. I still remember how a normal life experience is supposed to be.

You’ve had a much longer journey than I have. You’ve dealt with a lot more than I have. I’m glad that you are comfortable.

You’ve been a good friend man, and an inspiration. Totally consistent over this last year and half or so. I can’t say the same for myself.

Once I get that normal life experience going again I’m not going to let go of it. I can see who I’m going to be as an adult now. They either showed it to me, or my mind figured out what it’s have to do to whip me in line. I can’t really tell. I mean damn. That last year of smoking weed dug me into a very obsessive/emotional/sexual hole. But I understand all of those things now. Even the drug use side of it.

Anyways take care man. You’ve helped me tremendously:

Glad to read you are doing well. Your post reminds me of the second half of my first psychosis. I had decided that it would better be psychosis than a telepathic capacity and developed a bag of tricks to deal with each phenomenon it confronted me with. I was running my tricks constantly and became very skilled in them. They consisted about metathoughts placing intrusive thoughts and hallucinations in the right perspective. Also reminders of inconsistencies that I had written down and memorized such that I could instantaneously call them to attention whenever a challenging or tempting hallucination occurred, undermining their salience in the process.

My main goal was to stay out of the delusion and I had some tricks for this as well. I would constantly patrol my thoughts for an implicated attribution of subjectivity to the hallucinations. This resulted in a change of vocabulary in which I was thinking about what was going on. (I erased terms like ‘talking’, feelings of hate vis a vis the hallucinations, the hallucinations’ names, and many more ways of thinking that suggested a subjectivity over there. I was managing to stay away from the delusion every day, all by myself (i had told no one about my experiences).

I took pride in being that psychotic who managed to crawl out of it all by himself. I already dug and found a narcissistic trend, that motivated the delusion of a telepathic gift which made me feel special, and figured this need to feel special could be satisfied in this alternative way as well. And boy did it feel good to beat those harrassing voices every day. I was winning every day and it showed up in the diminishing content of the hallucinations. They were just as continuous as ever, but all they had to say was ‘It is not that bad’ and I would think for myself ‘I am right, fortunately its only schizophrenia!’. This was one of my tricks, assimilating the words of the voices to myself, yet in my own interpretation.

I had put a deadline on my efforts though, decided to look for help once the new year came. By that time this routine of running my tricks was still going on but it was also still necessary to run them. I did become slightly less optimistic with regards to eliminating the symptoms by means of the routines. Also it just took a lot of energy and I never had peace of mind - even though I felt good this was a loss of course. So I did go to a psychiatrist and got me some medication. Once it had kicked in I did miss the feeling of winning a all-or-nothing battle every day. That was how I perceived of my struggles to avoid delusion.

My doctor later told me he thought it was indeed possible to eliminate the symptoms without medication and with tricks similar to the ones I used. I kind of feel like I took a shortcut to recovery from psychosis at the time. But at the same time, I don’t feel regret for it. To come to a point where I was managing very well with my tricks has been enough to feel positive about that period. Like you write, I feel like I achieved something there, even though it is for no one to see.

Having done that though, I do not feel the urge to spend more time doing so. I will admit I am vain enough to desire achievement that will be recognized by others. Now the one does not exclude the other, but I do feel I am able to focus more on what I chose to be important in my life, rather than on something private that happened to happen to me.

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Sounds like we have similar psychoses.

As I sit here in the apartment cars are driving by and I’m not being harassed by them. I determined the triggers are predominantly auditory though there are some situations where visual indications of a human presence will trigger hallucinations. But the cars drive by and they just sound like cars. I forgot when I had that first moment of true doubt but now that I know how that feels it’s easier to just feel that instead of embrace the potential hallucination. It just happens so quickly and consistently. It’s like they all have the same mind regarding the matters the persecute me for(sexual liberalism). But I’ve pretty much creeped and queered myself out to the point I detest most sexual thinking. I’m damn proud to say that I’ve gotten a long distance away from that focus. The hallucinations didn’t help. They’d point out the subtle sexual relevance of ever encounter I had. Was not comfortable, kept me on the edge of suicidal thinking until I had confidence I could do away with it all.

But yeah language is a powerful thing when regarding its role in the mind. Quit using certain worlds and suddenly things start to change. Can’t really do away with sexual feelings. At some point I quit feeling anxiety in the mind and I began feeling it elsewhere. Still kind of dealing with that on again off again. It was like every person I encountered for two years was staring at my dick from the inside. Glad that ■■■■ is behind me. I don’t identify the feeling as being sexual at all any more. When I’m concerned about it being there it comes back, even without any stimulus, when I realize it doesn’t indicate desire, in fact it triggers a lot of repulsion in my mind, it fades away and I relax. That’s how it should have been the whole time if it were for the telepathy delusion.

But yeah it was just some ■■■■■■ up trip to a sort of hell. I know I’ll be able to put it behind me with effort.

Good response man. I’ve got time to really iron out all the kinks so that’s what I’m going to do. Do have some zyprexa if I run into trouble and need a time out.

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When I’m euphoric mental illness can be fun. When I was on Haldol I thought it was the worst thing that could happen to anyone. These days I just live with it. I do have my regrets, but life isn’t bad.

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I thought my life was getting better because I was working for a few months but then the reality of dealing with todays everyday society set in.

I had coworkers constantly complaining to my boss about my work which made me dread work which then lead to the violent hateful voices coming back which THEN led to the belief that people are beaming stuff into my head trying to make me kill others and myself.

So I quit and im right back where is was .

I guess that I now have a greater respect for those that can’t control themselves .

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Beating this illness has its pros and cons dude…some people understand and some people are very prejudiced.

And being held to such high standards is a bit ridiculous when you think about it.

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I’m a firm believer that everyone should be held to high standards, or at least higher standards. No expectations, no growth.

You’re not a parent yet. Get back to me when you are. :wink:

Pixel.

I hear what your saying. I jus think there should be a lot more work done in unravelling the psychological sides of it. The prognosis could be brighter for many of they would just try and tackle the beast.

I don’t like psychiatry. I won’t say I hate it because it did get me through the worst of it. When it comes to finding the ability to socialize again, when it came down to getting control or developing understanding of my voices and hallucinations. That was all me.

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Awesome, isn’t it? I take special pleasure in doing all of the things I was told were beyond me.

Good on you, mate. Keep it up! :smiley:

Pixel.

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It is really odd though. I’m laying down with the box fan on. This stimulates voices. I constantly predict then hear then reject to feel any influence from the voices. They have a faint garbled sound. Like stuffing a jack in the box back in to box. Hopefully I’ll be able to close the lid on it one of these days. They just try to feed a delusional worldview which makes me focus on them in hopes that they’ll give me the answer to unravelling this, which just leads to more delusions.

I know from here on out I just need to keep my mind preoccupied and distracted. I had to spend time listening to their ■■■■■■■■. I mean I’m just naturally disinterested in voices now. The worse thing I can do is allow them to validate the psychotic worldview that just feeds me spinning in introspective circles. What can I change to get out of this? What can change now? What can I change what can I change… On and on is how it went. Oh the last change. Just don’t think about any of that ■■■■ and try to restore a more normal thinking and focus to the mind. Really they don’t have anything to say just a frustrated garbled collection of a few voices, trying to get me to listen to their ■■■■ so their presence is validated and they can get some fresh fear to spit back at me. Like they are creatures who feed off my fear. My psychotic internal fear. (It’s typically a no no to consider the voices as real entities, I was merely just constructing an image)

The first thing I heard about voices where that they were the product of some broken auditory loop in the mind. I don’t believe that at all as over time they have shown themselves to think up unique phrases and remind me of ■■■■ that had been totally off my mind for a while. They have a degree of intelligence.

At the moment though they are just up their repeating my thoughts.

What I do is consciously ignore and hope my subconscious can do the same.

I can usually ignore them but they seem to be effecting me lately so I guess that my subconscious isnt doing so well.

I kinda understand and I won’t dispute that sometimes dealing with schizophrenia may be fun for you. But in my experience, fighting every moment of every day to not go of the deep end is not fun. I also understand that it teaches us stuff, but it doesn’t help on a day to day basis. I could go one with much negativity but we get enough of that here so I’ll stop. Our struggles are our own that doesn’t matter to anybody but a fellow schizophrenic or our families and sometimes not even to our families.