Random Thoughts

Maybe. I think it’s normal for schizophrenia. I cannot do most things anymore. It started right after SZA for me. The meds take time to adjust. I don’t have dementia, but initially at 22 years old I thought I did. I had little insight or knowledge of what schizophrenia was. I never thought I would get it. Makes sense though. I have to deal with the hand I was dealt with.

Schizophrenia for me is both a blessing but a major curse. I feel metaphysical stuff all the time like different dimensions and past lives. Like inter-dimensional stuff like time travel and reincarnation and esoteric stuff or knowledge. I know it is real because I go in and out of it. It’s a curse though. I rather be normal and stuff and have a life and not suffer. Seems to be a current thing in my lives to just always get schizophrenia. I happen to think aliens and stuff gave it to me because I did stuff like create things and revolutionized things and did a lot of innovation. Some big delusions I have had recently are I was a time traveler (it’s going away and getting better) because I have memories (I guess I worked on time travel and possibly built the machine) and I created bitcoin (no money, no proof of course-- just flashbacks); escaped the simulation/matrix and met the people or AI running our reality. Immortality stuff too like quantum AI and transhumanism like consciousness transfer into parallel timelines (worst ones) and mind uploading.

But the truth is it wasn’t worth it because I suffer. I can’t do basic tasks that most people or even most schizophrenics can do and take for granted…like brushing teeth; showering; and even changing clothes.

I lost all memories, experiences, and abilities. I was a top (one of the best) community college students and then lost it all and ended up being a freak show.

Truth is I don’t even know how to program and do things and I struggle with motivation and basic math or grit and determinism and goals.

I lost the ability to recognize objects and things in my environment. My listening skills are messed up and sound like nonsense and I lost the ability to read for years. I have improved. My body image issues I always had got worse because I gained so much weight so quickly.

I had really bad DP/DR and 2 dimensional vision that looked and felt (physical feeling too) of a low resolution, crappy video game from the early 2000s.

When I dream, I get to go to other realities for a bit and remember my past lives and get information and knowledge. But mostly it’s me living in fear and afraid for my wellbeing and life and my loved ones. I have fears and memories of being tortured in my past lives and I guess I remember it from my schizophrenia and nightmares. How is this possible? I then live through it during the day and I become delusional, I guess. I suffer a lot. But it’s just schizophrenia. I feel and know I died over a million times and came back alive. I even was targeted by extraterrestrials too in my past lives. No proof or evidence of course. It’s all in my head.

I am a Christian because of my situations and circumstance but I think it’s based on trauma, fear, extraterrestrials, and stuff but I would like to think for myself some day and choose it based on free will and not fear of hell (other timelines) and fear of aliens hurting me again or having tragedy befall me again.

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