Yet the noise still rattles

Well, this is something I haven’t done in a while… complain about my symptoms.

I feel relatively isolated at work. I’m near thirty and most of my coworkers are still in their early twenties. I don’t have to many people to choose from regarding any real talk. So I sit and stress out over work until my head starts spinning.

I am doing well however. I mean it’s all part of the routine. Just these last couple days I’ve been pushing it. I made 92 dollars on friday and saved 85 of it. I made 76 dollars last night and still have 61 or so… That with everything else means my next month’s rent is paid.

The constraint of being so conservative is tough for me to maintain. Especially in the face of this college town atmosphere. One of my better friends depends on me to hang out with him on the weekends. He buys extra beers to have on hand to motivate me to join him… which isn’t something I necessarily need. Went out last night, only had a few drinks, but woke up today pretty funked out of the sense of direction I had.

I’m sorting out the last elements regarding SSDI payments. I can provide for myself and I would prefer it that way. Bureaucracy in, bureaucracy out. They’re waving deadlines and threats over pulling the plug on my payments and I’m trying to appropriately correspond, but they contact my mother first. Which means that the last few sunday mornings get convoluted with some stressful chit chat over the matter with her. Then more responsibility that I have to plug into my week.

So that’s the state of affairs. On the real side… on the unreal side I have these nagging voices. One of my friends called them “mechanical elves.” Which is a fitting term… they’re just in their to distract me… but the sad effect is that when they imitate people from my life… I wind up feeling genuine dislike over those real characters and the need to escape.

I plan on saving up 10 grand… travelling until I find a town I feel best suits me… then getting set up with a job and moving. The space will provide a lot of comfort for me. Seeing as how that won’t occur for another 2 or 3 years… I’m guessing my mom will see reason in how it’s a practical thing for me to do.

I’m just really tired of the trapped feeling right now, but the last thing I want to do is set myself back trying to live it up for a day to compensate.

Anywho… happy holidays! I just wish I could be left alone for 24 hours at some point, without having one or another element of life… or one or another character from life… crop up and distort my thinking.

Keep trucking… take care.

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