I had a pretty interesting talk with a friend the other day.
We talked about how I don’t just do things.
We both know I have negative symptoms, but we agreed that I must also be lazy.
I mean, I know I’m supposed to clean up my apartment, for an expample, so why don’t I just do it? There’s nothing that’s physically keeping me from doing so, and it can’t be because I have better things to do, because I really don’t.
I just get overwhelemd by this feeling of “I don’t want to”, which is not a reason not to do things.
If frustrates me that I can’t just turn my life around and start being cleanly and eating healthy, and that I don’t have any other reasons than “It takes effort” and “I don’t want to”.
It shouldn’t be hard. It isn’t hard.
Why don’t I just do things? Why does it feel like such a struggle?
And why do I feel sad when I’ve cleaned up, like someone forced me to do it against my will?
Is there any way that I can snap out of it?
Do I just need to try harder and get my shite together? It seems to be what people in my life think I should.
That being said, it doesn’t really work well. I get the minimum done. My place isn’t dirty, but it’s far from clean. I make food only because I have to take care of my daughter. I only bathe when I start to smell or have to go somewhere. The APs also add a lot to the negatives.
I should add that some people have thought I just needed motivation, and are trying to motivate my by asking if I won’t feel better afterwards, or telling be about consequences.
I know that a clean home is better, and that I shouldn’t let the dishes sit due to bacterical growth. I know all the things, and I do care, but at the same time, I don’t.
I feel ashamed when people visit me, and I know I’d be more social if I wasn’t embarassed of having to show of a dirty home, too.
It just feels like as long as it only has real consequences for me and nobody else, it’s too easy to just say “it doesn’t matter”.
But why is it like that? Shouldn’t I be able to care about my own wellbeing?
Berru I have the exact same thing. It’s like with the exercise bike, it’s easy, so why don’t I just do it. Well the last 4 days I finally did. I feel so proud of myself. The thing that made me finally do it was that I made a goal of losing 3 pounds for the last half of January and I really need to exercise to meet that goal. Plus I talked to my tdoc about losing weight and we brainstormed ideas for me and it got me motivated and I was also embarrassed by my “I don’t want to” excuses", so the embarrassment is motivating me too honestly.
Maybe you can try setting a little goals for yourself like tidy up for 10 minutes each day at noon and not eat sugar or prepared food for a week. Once you accomplish some little thing maybe you will get more motivation. It will snowball in a good way. That’s what I’m hoping for myself anyway. So far so good.
That’s a very good explanation for someone that doesn’t know what avolition feels like.
Blame the negatives. You’re not lazy, you’re sick. You can always try to push through them, but it’s not easy. Pick one small thing and make that your goal.
For instance, I changed the way I deal with dishes. Instead of just setting my plate on the kitchen counter to deal with later, after eating I clean the plate. It’s a pain in the ass while I’m doing it, but that’s just the way things are.
I also don’t really do that anymore because we have a dishwasher now, so I just make sure the plate is loaded I’m the dishwasher. But same concept.
I can relate; I don’t want to clean either and I really have to force myself to. It just feels pointless even though I know I feel better when my house is clean. I have no advice, really, since I’m in the same boat and there’s no answer in sight, but yeah, you’re not alone.
I found it helps to ask someone to help me start a task. Then I can usually keep going on my own and finish up. Its the getting into motion that disables me.
