About 10 days ago I mustered the courage to revisit some old thinking patterns and memories from the premorbid period (roughly 6 months preceding the onset) and from my first psychotic episode which lasted about 7 weeks.
Please keep in mind that I had been stable for more than 3 years now, except for negative symptoms.
However, some of the delusions, paranoid thoughts and especially the feelings of dread and self-abandonment associated with those experiences have left a deep mark in my mind and soul. So as soon as I started dwelling on the past and re-reading some emails that were exchanged, and re-running some dialogues that I had during that period --> I almost relapsed again !!
That happened 4 days ago. Luckily for me, Abilify saved my arse. But these last 3 days I’ve had the time to ponder about why I almost relapsed. It seems to me that during psychosis, our brain is exceptionally receptive and impressionable. Any so-called “revelation” or major thought we might have during psychosis will be implanted so deeply in our brain, that it may take years for it to lessen its grip on us completely. This is especially true for feelings of fear and distrust.
Please guys, this is no joke. Don’t play with psychosis. These antipsychotic meds have been invented for a reason. So take them diligently !!
After a first 10mg dose, I now take 5mg daily, so far it works well. I feel stable, my vitals are ok, my sleep is good, no anxiety, no parasitic thoughts. Hopefully it’ll stay that way. I know that 5mg is a very low dose, so I’m prepared to raise the bar higher if necessary.
I have found a good CBT book called “Mind over Mood” but it’s mostly for Depression, Anxiety and other Mood disorders. I mostly have negative symptoms, which are not addressed in this book. But maybe the general principles presented there still apply for negative symptoms. Anyway, since I started playing with CBT a little bit, I am getting better overall I highly recommend CBT !!
I’m finding distracting my mind when the fears or anxieties start to begin helps . I often create my own anxieties and fears with my thinking if I allow it to stay on an unhealthy track.
Makes me wonder if memory deficits and emotional detachment are the brain’s ways of protecting us or reducing the damage. Thanks for the great reminder!
Yes, that is a valid question Gorrister. Negative symptoms could be our brain’s way to deal with overwhelming sensations and feelings. Trouble is, according to many studies, these negative symptoms never subside, once they’ve set in. But in my personal experience they can get better with therapy, at least partially.
I highly recommend CBT !!