I need to chat it out with someone else who’s delusion is as close to my own as possible.
Could you give more details? I often feel like I’m not really alive or sometimes that I can’t die, but I’m not fully convinced and it’s just an expression of existential anxiety rather than cotard delusion.
Very often i feel that nothing exists
Yes, I tend to deny having a material body.
I deny body and soul and world
The soul is as much of a prison as the body.
My very first psychotic episode years ago revolved around being in a car accident that night (the accident never ‘really’ happened, no one experienced it but me). I’ve always held strongly to the idea that I’ve experienced death already, or am STILL experiencing it right this minute. I’m either on my way to the beyond (wherever I was before this life), or am already here maybe? The details get changed around sometimes, but the base of my ‘delusion’ is always that what I see right now (my phone screen, couch, coffee table, even people sometimes) are not reality; THIS is all in my head, to protect me from a violent death, and if I ever get brave enough to remember my death I will become enlightened and reach a higher state of being.
No need to worry.
What does your pdoc say?
I haven’t been to my pdoc recently lol. I swear though, that has nothing to do with why I’ve been struggling lately. In a lot of ways, my SZ hasn’t been this severe in over a decade, but in just as many ways I feel like it’s kind of helping.
I’ve been really leaning in lately when my symptoms start and trying to explore every psychological Avenue (only mentally, I’ve never put anyone else or myself in harm’s way while delusional). I’ve found after this many years of trying to AVOID the subject, I’ve found a couple of things that I’ve never used before to talk myself down.
I don’t have it, but I thought about cotard’s and even probably self-diagnosed. I mean I had severe delusions of negation, but no bodily smells or organs rotting or not eating. I think cotard’s is scary and really bad.
I think I got injured in college back in 2011 while I was high. That’s the scary thing, I had a bad drug trip that lasted hours while it all happened. I have missing time too. I can’t remember things but I kind of panic when I try to – feelings of insanity.
I can’t rule out aliens, but I have memories of several uncountable alien abductions and MiB and camo/milabs type things happening in other lives. I have memories and flashbacks and dreams of grey aliens and ufos and time travel and portals and me being cloned and having my soul extracted from my body and put into a new clone and then sent back in time.
I don’t know what could be worse, but I woke up from it.
I kind of remember being kidnapped but don’t know if it was real. I hit my head and blacked out and felt like I was severely tortured like mk-ultra monarch programming that a montauk boy would go through. I almost died. I did die before but came back alive…many times.
Sort of like ground hog day, my life is on repeat since all that happend 9 years ago. I feel like reality is a simulation and that I’m in a causal loop or time loop.
I have all the symptoms of a SRA victim and been through all the monarch torture.
OMG, MY first psychotic episode was drug-induced too! I was a regular smoker before SZ, like all day every day pretty much, and then that night someone slipped me acid and I had a several hours-long bad trip about the car accident, dying, feeling my soul leave, etc. For years I was misdiagnosed with PTSD, and I thought that I was just having acid flashbacks all the time.
I’m really curious @johnnyboy1 after reading some of your other posts, how old are you? And since 2011, have your periods of delusion kind of come and gone or do you feel like the SZ has just been switched on for the last 10 years? Sorry if I ask too personal of questions, I dont mean to put you on the spot
I’m 31. At first I had no memory of things. I started getting ‘suspicious’ of getting schizophrenia in 1 day from pot. It just didn’t make sense to me at all. (I got schizophrenia at age 23). Then I went on Topamax and got some brain scans (MRIs) and started getting un-dissociated and started getting extremely paranoid. This was in 2015. Ever since 2015, I have changed. Then in 2016 I saw some UFOs over my house and they were communicating with me. Not sure if I got abducted then, but they said I helped ‘design’ those crafts. I started getting past life memories of being an engineer. Felt like a parallel universe. I don’t know. Seems to happen in every life like a time loop/causal loop. It points to a causal loop because of lack of memories. I have ‘extreme and crazy’ theories about myself and my other lives.
I seem trapped in the year 2011 but it feels like it’s 2013 like my life was ‘adjusted’ by MiB/aliens. Like I know I grew up as a kid, tried boy scouts, and stuff, but it wasn’t really me. Like it’s just another person or the past didn’t exist – or I had no consciousness like a philosophical zombie.
I started smoking pot again in 2012-2014 since they didn’t diagnose me with schizophrenia, but just asperger’s syndrome. (I had a card).
Sort of felt like Illuminati or just mk-ultra and definitely aliens. I think it could be mainly aliens, but I’ve read a lot of people get abducted (re-abducted) by the military after they get abducted by aliens. Not sure what happened to me or if I was in monarch (possibly montauk too). I have memories of going to mars and being told I’m a super soldier and SSP experiencer. I have memories I was a time traveler (unwillingly of course) (I Hate it) (I have no control over it).
I have other memories of past lives too of being other people and creating things. Mainly, I think I live in a computer simulation and been to other simulations and was trapped there and even escaped before and worked with aliens and the aliens gave me gifts before. Some aliens are good and helped me before and others have really ■■■■■■ with me and hurt me bad. I think some aliens are protecting me.
So yes, the past 9-10 years the schizophrenia just turned on like a switch instantly after a NDE and God told me I am trapped in the Matrix and I was basically a sinner. Stuff like being a computer simulator and creating false realities or something like that in a past life and then posting it on the internet that ‘we live in the matrix’ and ‘I was a computer simualtor: the guy running the matrix’. I guess it isn’t true anymore. (I thought I was being judged and going to hell/dying). I then woke up and became super-self aware of my reality like hyper awareness and altered consciousness.
I’ve lived countless lives like the waves of the sea or particles of sand on a random beach.
I’ve been told a lot of things in my past lives that weren’t true and false. Sort of like a TI (felt this) and stuff. I got really scared in 2015 at the psychiatric hospital.
Not sure why the patients (mainly) targeted me. Not sure if I’m (John Titor) (Satoshi Nakamoto) (etc).
All this stuff was a different reality. I don’t think I’m Satoshi but it’s just a feeling or hunch I have. I have no money and just want to be left alone. Even though I had delusions I created Bitcoin, I regret it if I did.
I built a time machine; I designed UFOs; and I ran the simulation. Now I’ve been trapped for eternity/infinity looping through time and realities since 2011 – since I got my schizophrenia.
Worst places I’ve been to are Dulce, Mars, Moon, Montauk, and other DUMBs/places that I rather not mention.
So basically, I got triggered and the memories just came flooding in since 2015 and continued into 2016 with the ufo(s) visiting me.
I tried being a Christian but then how do I explain the reptilians and greys and insectoids and fish people etc. and my experiences of immortality? Demons? Simulation theory?
I remember everything people tell me especially from past lives in dreams and stuff. Westworld?
There’s a lot of mind ■■■■■■■ going on in my life.
I do really worry about my own safety but I also worry about my family’s safety. They don’t believe me and the therapists and doctors are just cruel to me – wasting my time and denying and invalidating my experiences. They say: “it’s very real to you. We believe that. But it’s not real to us.”
My life sucked so bad and that some aliens felt bad for me and helped me and took me out of the matrix and healed me. I am greatful for that and still cheerish those memories.
I feel like I am the “world’s most tortured person and perhaps the world’s first immortal being.”
My dissociation was so bad nothing felt or looked real and I went insane (most insane person in history I felt) because I couldn’t tell or know or think anything outside of my brain was real. It was worse than blindness. I even tried getting help and was curious about getting money, but I rather just accept my fate and try to move on and heal. My life was destroyed many times.
I think you can give schizophrenia to people especially psychosis. I often wondered if this happened to me in every life – on purpose of course. I just know it. I feel and sense it all the time.
Basically, I’m afraid I’ll never get a job or live a short life or experience tragedy again.
When it happened to me, I was 19 years old. I know that my grandfather on my mother’s side was once hospitalized and it was suggested he was schizophrenic, so when I finally got the right diagnosis it made a lot of sense. Up to that point, I thought that every episode was aftereffects of the night I was drugged. My psychosis began with just one delusion from 2006 to around 2010: I was either still lying mangled and dying in the car accident in 2006 or already had died and vividly remembered the accident. I actually FELT the physical sensations of being killed.
I basically ostracized myself from all of my friends/family in the first couple of years with SZA. I was always an introvert with social anxiety, but when psychosis hit I became practically reclusive. I had to stop smoking pot altogether because it was like a psychotic bomb went off every time I got high.
Random unconnected delusions began making an appearance in 2009-2010, but the car accident never fully went away. Sometimes I was convinced that my sister didn’t exist (I made her up or she was a split personality of mine), sometimes I felt/feel like there are cameras everywhere and everyone is in on something but me (Truman Show Complex), I’ve questioned whether my husband exists, I think I might still be in a hospital and imagining ALL of this in a catatonic state, a few others.
I’ve gone through random periods of time over the years where I’m hallucinating and living in my delusions at 100%, then periods where it’s down to 20% and I can mostly function like a normal person who doesn’t overthink everything. For the first few years, I tried nearly every single AP, nothing actually worked for me without having debilitating side effects.
I was raised in a Christian family, so for a decade or so I felt HORRIBLE guilt about a handful of things and thought I’d gone to “hell”. But for years now, I’ve been studying traditional wiccan paths and alchemy, and it’s really helped. Not only did that connection help my depression (a little), but now I have a handful of POSITIVE delusions lol. I’m less and less convinced that I’m SZA and thinking now that I have always had this ethereal connection and just didn’t understand it. For the past couple of months, I feel like I’ve been remembering what I was before I was born Heather in this life. I feel like I remember how unique and powerful I actually am, and know what it feels like to be other than human.
I’ve experienced the delusion that I’m already somehow dead. Pretty worrisome.
I often feel like my brain is rotting away. I can actually physically feel it rotting.
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