I know just a few days ago I was posting a lot on here. I thought I was onto kicking the final pillars out from under my illness. Well I got careless and drank a redbull, then the next day drank a couple monster rehabs(they were 2 for 3$). This was on top of my typical coffee consumption.
I started taking ambien before sleep. That was another change, I like how it calmed everything down(thoughts and voices). So I was had both stimulants and sleep aids in my system. I was doing fine, then sunday night rolls around. It was humid as hell, couldnāt find anyone to hang out with for a few hours, was left processing a lot of subtle things that eventually started to upset me, and of course the schizophrenia was there the whole time. Tried going to a party, left shortly after. Eventually went back to that same party to pick up some friends. I was just brooding over anything I could brood about. Friends wreaked of alcohol, they wanted to go to taco bell, a bunch of minor ā ā ā ā .
Woke up at what would be yesterday(Monday) morning after a few hours sleep due to some intensely weird dreams. Actually woke up to sleep paralysis and continued dreaming, a man in a black trench coat leaning into my room, a translucent woman sitting next to me on the edge of the bed leaning over and pulling this translucent string of sorts out of my heart. Woke up from that to total relapse.
I was back to normal by the end of the day. Which leads me to askā¦ Do any of you have these mini relapses and how long to the typically last for you?
I hate them because I become very callous and write people off in an almost emotionally abusive way. It makes me feel very unstable in the long run, that regardless of the situation Iāll probably end up losing my ā ā ā ā every once in a while.
Iām not suicidal or violent ever, but Iāll lash verbally out at the people who care most, like my mom. Typically its more me just not listening and then cutting conversations short by walking away and stuff.
I need two things to get my life where I want to be. A job and a gf. I feel this kind of emotional instability disqualifies me from being able to manage either of those things. When Iām in that state that is what hurts the most.
A lot of stability can be found from managing oneās expectations and learning to be patient. That crash was probably building up slowly over the last couple weeks. Managing expectations is probably the biggest lesson aside from avoiding caffeine.
Iām done trying to keep up with my brother and his friends, Iām done going to random parties, Iām done putting vested interest in any specific girl(Iāve known I shouldnāt do that for a long time, but the dreamer in me wakes up.)
This is lengthier than intended but Iāll add one more thing. It is incredibly difficult to stay on the right path and be ahead of this illness, that goes for life in general as well.