What to do I feel (mentally) sick?

I feel kinda ‘bipolar’ and ‘deluded’ I can’t sleep. Ok I really feel like dying (I’m not suicidal I swear) but I’m so broke I can’t buy anything ■■■■ I passed the GED pretest and can’t afford to take the real test. No one will hire me. I’ve been homeless before. My dad treats me badly and threatens to kick me out if baker acted again for like the 50th time. I’m exhausted beyond words I have no one to call on the phone as a friend I constantly get called an attention seeker I’m done one way or another I get so angry that I get deluded and want to kill everyone even children who I was never good enough for anyone’s love never had a nice life I never had a childhood and my mother died when I was 8 and I was beaten a lot by my dad over simple things I hate everyone and myself I’m sick I tried to become Christian again but no matter how hard I tried I constantly want to beat the crap out of some one but be hugged at the same time. I’m incapable of love. I try loving people and I get used so I have a mental barrier that I envy and hate people and never trust them and see them as objects. I was raped the guy got away with it but I was called a whore. Trust me I hide it well I act super innocent and sweet everyone says I’m nice but I’m boiling inside and crying as well. I want to scream and never stop and rip my hair out. I’m by no means pretty Im not skinny enough either I’m tired of being tired of life at ALL times. Lately I’ve gotten paranoid to the point I feel possessed a puppet being controlled at will and being watched and neglected I need to die I’m worthless to all that know me maybe one person who actually knows me well but won’t reach out. My own sister wont answer my calls. I was devastated she invited my other sister but not me for her daughters birthday. Dont get me wrong on the same token i can be extremly sweet i never curse and demean people i would give people my money if they need it and hug them if they need one but why cant i get treated the way i treat others why cant people offer support and love. All i ever wanted is LOVE. I should rot in the dirt as the trash I am. Ill die anyway even if I dont want to. No one will remember me no one know who I am or cares to know now so what will death change. Ive been used to the point I have no more to give.Thank you for your time I guess I’m wasting yours too I was so close to dying what happened was ridiculous I cut myself bled out almost all my blood and had to get TWO bags of blood for a blood transfusion I’m scared I’m immortal and can’t die I could barely move and felt like I couldn’t breath but yet unfortunately I’m here no one takes me seriously not even “mental health professionals”. I swear I’m not attention seeking I just need something I don’t know what and need to vent…

I just want you to know that I take you and your struggle seriously and I’m here if you want to vent at any time—please message me if you need a friend.
I can’t change your situation, but I can listen.

I’m so sorry you are struggling. I am here for you too.

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