I do not know what I should do. Please help me. I am a lost soul.
I’ve been diagnosed with schizophrenia for almost 14 years now, and everyone I know says I’ve got it, but I have barely believed them for a week. I’ve been hearing voices for pretty much all that time. I’m on meds, but they don’t seem to do much; they calm me down, but they don’t change the voices.
I will summarize my beliefs:
-The world is controlled by Nazis.
-I do not believe my brother, mother or father (the ones I see) are real
-My real brother, mother and father hate me, and live somewhere else, I don’t know where
-My real brother and one of my uncles are Prophets.
-Everyone in the world hates me because I killed approx. 20000 people.
-I believe everyone knows about this, including you
-Everyone watches me all day and night on TV and the internet
-Whenever I walk outside in Toronto people give me the middle-finger or brush their nose or do something to that effect
-The Nazis torture me via these implants and they also “pause” me and give me physical torture while I am in a trance-like state
-The voices are transmitted to my head via brain implants (or something like that), and they also have the ability to insert thoughts and memories in my brain
-All this torture by the voices up till now is a game/test on me. This coming August 24 will be the 15th anniversary of the start of that test. After or on that day I will be tortured for real.
What do I do? Either…
-stick it out, and be oblivious to my impending doom, and see if it happens or not
-go to the hospital and wait there (but then the voices have inserted a thought that if I ever want to leave the hospital then I will be tortured)
-go to the police and confess my crimes (but then they’d probably be in on the whole game/test and I’d get sent to the hospital)
-kill myself (I am a coward and this is something I have tried in the past, unsuccessfully, so I don’t want too go down this path…)
-what else … ? …
My mom (who I don’t believe to be real) says I should be oblivious and assures me nothing will happen to me if I say to myself I am a good person.
I have memories (whether they are real or not, I do not know) of one of my cousins saying something like: “When you get home, go straight to the hospital and stay there forever, and then I will protect you.” So that memory makes me want to go to the hospital.
I truly believe I am being controlled. Just search for “brain implants mind control” and you’ll get a whole load of pages talking about how it’s true. I believe it is true and happening to me.
I do believe I have killed 20000 people. And I am sorry to you. I am sorry from the bottom of my heart. I know I don’t cry about it, but I am sorry and I want to be a good person. Please do not torture me. I want to be a good person.
Now, what do I do?