What should I do?

Unusual Beliefs
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I do not know what I should do. Please help me. I am a lost soul.

I’ve been diagnosed with schizophrenia for almost 14 years now, and everyone I know says I’ve got it, but I have barely believed them for a week. I’ve been hearing voices for pretty much all that time. I’m on meds, but they don’t seem to do much; they calm me down, but they don’t change the voices.

I will summarize my beliefs:

-The world is controlled by Nazis.
-I do not believe my brother, mother or father (the ones I see) are real
-My real brother, mother and father hate me, and live somewhere else, I don’t know where
-My real brother and one of my uncles are Prophets.
-Everyone in the world hates me because I killed approx. 20000 people.
-I believe everyone knows about this, including you
-Everyone watches me all day and night on TV and the internet
-Whenever I walk outside in Toronto people give me the middle-finger or brush their nose or do something to that effect
-The Nazis torture me via these implants and they also “pause” me and give me physical torture while I am in a trance-like state
-The voices are transmitted to my head via brain implants (or something like that), and they also have the ability to insert thoughts and memories in my brain
-All this torture by the voices up till now is a game/test on me. This coming August 24 will be the 15th anniversary of the start of that test. After or on that day I will be tortured for real.

What do I do? Either…

-stick it out, and be oblivious to my impending doom, and see if it happens or not
-go to the hospital and wait there (but then the voices have inserted a thought that if I ever want to leave the hospital then I will be tortured)
-go to the police and confess my crimes (but then they’d probably be in on the whole game/test and I’d get sent to the hospital)
-kill myself (I am a coward and this is something I have tried in the past, unsuccessfully, so I don’t want too go down this path…)
-what else … ? …

My mom (who I don’t believe to be real) says I should be oblivious and assures me nothing will happen to me if I say to myself I am a good person.

I have memories (whether they are real or not, I do not know) of one of my cousins saying something like: “When you get home, go straight to the hospital and stay there forever, and then I will protect you.” So that memory makes me want to go to the hospital.

I truly believe I am being controlled. Just search for “brain implants mind control” and you’ll get a whole load of pages talking about how it’s true. I believe it is true and happening to me.

I do believe I have killed 20000 people. And I am sorry to you. I am sorry from the bottom of my heart. I know I don’t cry about it, but I am sorry and I want to be a good person. Please do not torture me. I want to be a good person.

Now, what do I do?

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I think you should talk to your doctor. He can adjust your meds or put you on something different that might be more effective.

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@harvey Your post has had me thinking of what I would have said to myself when I was at my worst. I know that I would have been unable to convince myself my experiences were not real. I know there is no way to convince you either. It is in some ways like trying to rip the very fabric of reality away from someone else. It is impossible.

Lost might be an appropriate word. The you that you were or are supposed to be is in there somewhere. However, it is lost amongst the sickness. But lost things can always be found again. You just have to move step by step through the wild places until you find your way home.

The best way to do that is to work with your doctor or if necessary with the people in a hospital. Tell them what you are going through. Tell them your current medications are not working. I admit it takes a leap of faith to trust people when every inch of you is saying not to. But it is the only way. If you do, I believe someday you will find yourself again. You will no longer be lost.

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One thing I’ve learned over the years is med treatment and therapy go hand in hand. While the meds help reduce the symptoms, therapy offers a sounding block and also offers the skills to help deal with the illness. It took me years before I started with therapy but these days I wish I started a lot younger.

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hunni, u haven’t killed anybody and the world is not run by nazis. your family is real and they love u and are probably desperately worried about u. sounds to me like the best place for u right now is in the hospital to get ur meds sorted out to get u some relief from these persecutory beliefs. people touch their faces all the time…it means nothing i promise u. they r too wrapped up in their own lives to b worried about persecuting u. i don’t hate u hunni. how can i possibly hate someone i don’t even know? and even if i did know u i still wouldn’t hate u. u r very sick right now is all and u need help. please check urself into a hospital and write all this down and show ur psyciatrist. hope u feel better soon hunni xxx

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Harvey, I am sorry that you have been going through your hard time.

Trust me, you have done a good thing by posting here. My ultimate advice to you would be check with your doctor, relay this and ask advice on your medicines and\or discuss with someone you are very close to. Someone that you trust the most and is not suffering from the illness.

Nothing is going to happen to you on 24th Aug or later. No one hates you and why would you kill so many people. We do not know each other so how can we dislike each other or know about each other’s life. You are the controller of your thoughts and no one can implant any thoughts in you. We get inspired from people and adopt the qualities that attract us but no one can force you to do something that you don’t want to.

There are many good people here on this forum and around you who wish good for you. Please do update us how you are feeling.

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I care for you and please do update. please !!

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I think you should try to go to the hospital like the memory of your cousin suggested. It’s a big step however it can be a very good step. All this must be confusing and stressful to deal with every day. I do not believe that you have harmed or killed all those people.

If you do not feel comfortable going to the hospital then one of the numbers on this site may be able to help you.

http://toronto.cmha.ca/mental-health/find-help/are-you-in-crisis/

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Hi again. I am grateful to all of you who have responded.

I’ve watched this video:

I feel that what has happened to Magnus is also happening to me.

I have just sent mail to my spiritual leader asking for guidance, what I should do, but the response will take weeks.

If I go to the hospital I fear I will be tested on, and then if I ever leave I will get tortured.

So I am just going to wait it out and be “oblivious” and try to do good things until then. My fake brother suggested I make muffins for tomorrow and we’d get together and do some painting. The voices are still bothering me, but I will do that, and just wait and see what happens on/after August 24.

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I found it very difficult to get help too when all my mind was telling me in every way was that the people who were supposedly there to help were really there to harm. And I had previously trusted and believed in psychiatry. I argued, I opposed them, I evaded them, I refused to see them and this was all based in the end on delusional beliefs I was struggling with.

I first began to trust again when a doctor in the psych ward took the unusual approach of telling me that his interest was in my best interest and that if he were me he’d check out and go somewhere as my mother was going attempting to have me temporarily committed to the state hospital. He told me that he felt this was unnecessary and counterproductive though understandable considering the frustration my mother was feeling.

I remember thinking…this guys on MY side? What? This is what it took for me to realize that yes this guy really was on my side. I began then after a few more bumps in the road to trust again. And guess what? I got better. I am no longer suffering under delusions or hearing “voices” anymore. I take a low dose of an anti-psychotic and have minimal if any side effects.

I realize it’s a little unusual to relate this story but it is what it took for me to realize they were really on MY SIDE. They wanted to help and if I trusted them they could and did help.

By the way: I believed at one point that I had been the one behind the planning of 9/11…I was responsible for that. Guess what? I wasn’t. It wasn’t me. My conscience on that note at least is cleared now a days.

You can get help but you have to begin to trust the people who want to help you rather than the symptoms of this illness.

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I would say test your paranoia’s… that’s the only way you can tell if they’re real, and leading up to them don’t worry as much. Its either going to happen or not but it’s out of your control, you’ll just worry yourself to death if you constantly think about it.

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I am very glad that you are posting here. Hospital is a place where people go to get better when they are ill. No one gets any torture when they are back. You will not be tortured by going to hospital. It is perhaps just one of your false beliefs.

If your are attached with a religion I would say it is good to practice that if that gives you comfort. Your decision of doing good things is great and nothing is more pleasurable than cooking and painting. Play with colours and go for get together. That will make you feel better.

I am really happy that you are updating us.

Regarding implanting nano-technology, it is about artificial intelligence. Researchers are making life easier for others. Think of it as robots which would be more helpful in day to day activities for the people with disabilities or industrial robots which would be able to make rational decisions if there is any breakage in the machine or anything like that.

Again, please keep in touch with someone about whom you think is trustworthy and not suffering from illness. It can be a friend or any family member. There is nothing wrong in seeing a doctor or going to hospital.

Thanks for posting the update. I wish you a healthy life.

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Great advice. Trust people who want to help you.