hi.
i don treally know how to start this.
I’ve had symptoms of schizophrenia for 5 years now, since I was 17.
It started with hallucinations, visual ones, auditory, delusions, even tactile hallucinations, increased memory loss, sometimes I feel like I’m a different person altogether. sometimes I can’t really tell if something that has just happened really just happened or not. or if how I’ve interperated it is what it really is? or am I just paranoid? i don’t know. whatever
point is, i’ve done my share of research and im not an idiot, I think there is something wrong with me. I mean obviously right, if I am seeing and hearing things? that’s like, schizophrenia 101? at this point I’m not afraid to admit something is wrong with me. What I am afraid to do, is come of the closet with it, so to speak.
I don’t want to be diagnosed. I don’t want to be labeled as “crazy”. how will I be viewed in society? as a crazy person. people don’t like crazy people. I’m so terrified of being labeled as that, what If I can’t find work because of it? what if I have to be institutionalized? how would that affect my family? and the 1 or 2 friends i really care about? that;s going to be on my record. how do you even get diagnosed? talk to a psyciatrist? i haven’t even told my parents or the ones i hold closest to my heart about what’s going on with me. nobody knows. how could I possibly open up to somebody I don’t even know? ■■■■ that. I feel like, i’ve survived on my own so far, maybe it’s just better to keep it all to myself. maybe if i can just take all of it, I wouldn’t be such a burden on everyone else.
i guess the point of this post is. to anyone who’s actually officially diagnosed, is it worth it?
to be “out of the closet”? being diagnosed? i have so much anxiety about this subject. I hate talking about it, even online on a forum like this, sometimes i just want to forget it’s even a part of my life. the only reason I’m even writing this is because it’s completely anonymous. but even still I’m going to hate myself for posting this.
i guess in the back of my mind i’m just really scared because maybe I am getting worse. i hallucinate consistantly, sometimes every day or every other day, sereverl times a day. i don’t even really know anymore. who counts that kind of stuff. i think i’m doing okay, since I can actually tell they are hallucinations. i’m actually aware that something is wrong with me.
but i guess i’m just trying to gage what other people have gone through.
what is the point of being officially diagnosed? there really isn’t one, in my opinion. I don’t want drugs. i’ve abused enough drugs as it is. I don’t need drugs to bring me “back to normal” or whatever it is they do. i don’t even know. I don’t want people to know. it’s bad enough all of you reading this even knows. i should just keep it all to myself. that way, only I have to deal with it, and no one else. I don’t want anyone in my life to worry about me or feel obliged to care for me or treat me differently because I have a “mental illness”. that makes sense right?
is it better to live with schizophrenia as a secret or as an open part of your life?
why do I feel like if I came out with all these things I’m going through, that I’d only be doing it for attention? is that paranoia? because I wanted someone to do something about it? like I said before, only I should have to deal with it right? why put the people I love through that. it’s not fair to them. they don’t deserve that.
i don;t think I’ll ever really tell anyone. maybe some people here feel the same.
how do you get by day to day hiding this secret? is it hard for you? how long have you been hiding? is it possible to stay sane hiding it?